Tomorrow is test day!!!!

I am trying very hard to not freak myself out.  I am scheduled for my very first mammogram tomorrow.  There is a lump/mass in my right breast.  The doctor found it too.  So, now I get to experience the wonder of the mammogram.  yay me.  I also get to have an ultrasound to see what the mass in my pelvic area is.  How awesome is that??? Its a 2-for-1 kinda day tomorrow.  How lucky can one girl get??? 

I'm scared out of my mind, to be honest.  No one has a clue how scared I am.  Sure, sure, it could be nothing.  But what if it is SOMETHING.  What if it isn't just nothing?  What if its serious? 

Well, I guess if it really is serious, I will get to see just how many people actually give a shit.  I am sure that list is pretty short.  No one really gives a damn.  Not even me most days. 

I am really scared.  Did I say that already? 

Desperately seeking sanity

teetering.  right on the edge.  that's where i am.  grasping that little branch over the cliff and its uprooting.  hanging on that ledge and my hand is slipping.  oblivion is just below me.  lots and lots of darkness down there.  its pulling me down.  i'm losing my grip and any second i'll be lost forever. 

i am at the bottom of my spiral.  at the very bottom.  i haven't been here in years.  i hate it here.  and i am stuck.  no one has a clue, and no one seems to notice.  it isn't like i am really hiding it.  i hate everyone.  i hardly leave the house.  if i am not going to work, i may not even change from my pjs.  i hate living in this circus.  i hate all these clowns that live here. well, except one.  and he is probably the only thing keeping me from letting go of that little branch and going away for good. 

nothing is turning out right.  i am a total failure.  at my job. at love. at financial responsibility. at motherhood. everything.  i am a failure.  i will be 38 next week.  i live at my parents house.  i sleep on the fucking couch.  i have a car i am going to lose because i can't afford it.  i am in debt up to the ceiling.  all the things i wanted for myself are lost.  i am going to die alone.  i found a lump in my breast.  i am so depressed all i want is to go to sleep and never wake up.  i am so lonely i feel like i am suffocating from it.  i am aching for physical intimacy.  i am dying inside slowly from emotional deprivation.  i am tired of taking care of everyone. i am tired of making everyone else happy.  i am tired of being disappointed.  i am tired of never being enough.  i am tired of never being first choice.  i am tired of being a last resort. 

i hate my life. 

Someone help me..... please.....

Okay, I spend alot of time talking about my sex life and sexuality.  This post is not about that. 

Its about my son.  My sweet, sensitive, amazingly intelligent, horrifically troubled, insecure son.  He is the light of my life, and the reason I am still alive.  I can not imagine my life without that child.  He means more to me than anything.  I havent really ever talked about him, because I am trying to sift thru other things in my life.  But, I am in quite a dilemma in regard to him.  Usually my dilemmas with him are about school, or his inability to control his anger, and things like that. 

This is not that kind of dilemma.  I can handle those, for the most part.  This I just don't know how to handle. 

Out of the blue the other night, he asked me in his calm, but quiet, non chalant way "Mom, was I raped by "J###y" when Aunt K was watching me when I was little?"  I almost had a panic attack.  I honestly was so stunned I had no response besides, "why?"  He then tells me "I don't know.  I was just wondering.  Sometimes I think I was.  I cant really remember though.  I do remember him always trying to make me take naps with him.  And he would get really mad when I didn't or didn't want to."  Again, I didn't know what to say. 

My son is 12.  He was babysat by my Aunt off and on from the time he was a baby.  But mostly from like 3 years old until the year he started kindegarten.  At one point during that time, she had this boyfriend that was kind of a jerk.  But, he was relatively nice to the kids in the family.  But, the longer he was being babysat, his behavior became unmanageable.  He would explode and have these horrid temper tantrums.  It was believed it was just a discipline issue.  They never got better.  They got so bad, she would no longer keep him.  They have never really went away.  He is and always has been so attached to me.  He has even to this day, really bad separation anxiety.  It was decided he had ADHD, anxiety, depression and at one point, believed to be bi-polar.  He struggles with people in position of authority. 

A year or two after he no longer was being watched by my aunt, he finally told me that the boyfriend had punched him in the stomach once when he would not take a nap like he was told.  She had left my baby with him while she went to run errands.  That is when this incident took place.  My baby never mentioned this.  Until much later.  Not once.  He never even mentioned he didn't like this guy. 

I am trying not to freak out and jump to outlandish conclusions, but I also don't want to disregard it if this ass actually did mess with my baby. 

I was molested by my father's younger brother when I was like 6 or 7 years old.  No one believed me and no one wanted to talk about it.  They still don't.  He was never punished for it.  I still want to kill him. 

I am so afraid of how to handle this.  I am very afraid. 

If it was you, what would you do??????

Randomness abounds

I hate my job.  I like some of the people I work with.  But, I hate what I am doing.  Billing.  I hate it.  I don't know why I took this job.  For the check I guess.  That is what happens when you lose your long time job and you have a kid to support.  You take the first piece of crap job that comes along.  Or maybe I took it to stay busy.  I hate sitting at home.  It depresses me.  Weekends are depressing for me.  I have nothing to do most of the time.  Especially since I am not seeing anyone.  I hate my job.  I feel like I will never get a full grasp on it.  I hate this douchebag I work with.  The douchewad that was supposed to train me.  I hate that dude.  He is a shiesty, fake, whiney bitch ass, condescending horse's ass.  I want to just punch his face in, all f'ng day long.  I can't stand him.  I wish my boss would seriously acknowledge what a twat he is and fire his ass. 

I hate where I live.  I live at my parents house.  with my sister and her obnoxious brats.  There is non-stop screaming and whining and fighting and bickering.  They are like little tasmanian devils.  I can't stand it.  They leave a trail of chaos every where they go.  And my kid just adds to it.  Its a serious issue.  I hate it here. 

I am a commitment phobe.  I think I am scared of real commitment.  I don't want to be hurt.  I don't want to invest my whole everything to another person and them rip me apart at the seams.  I have experienced that.  It hurts like hell.  It hurts really fucking bad.  It almost killed me.  twice.  I desperately want to be loved.  But, I don't want to hurt.  I also am not sure if I am really worthy of love.  I am fundamentally broken.  Who would want someone who lives at her parents house, is in a mountain of debt, and has children by different men?  Who would want a woman that panics when she feels someone is too close?  A woman who is ridiculously jealous? A woman that has a voracious sexual appetite until she feels like she is being treated like a REAL whore?  A woman that if she feels neglected or abandoned will seek comfort in the past? 

I am not sure why God allowed me to have children.  I never liked them much.  Other people's kids.  I love babies, but the toddlers thru adults, they make me anxious and frustrated.  I have no idea what to say to kids who can actually talk.  I mean, my own kids, I love them like there is no tomorrow.  I would give my life to save theirs.  Kids are mean and nasty creatures. 

I want to get married really badly.  I am almost 40.  2 years away from 40.  But, I am afraid I only want the wedding and not the actual marriage or life long commitment.  Just the wedding.  The dress, the cake, the ceremony, the decor, the flowers, the reception.  the party.  But, I am not sure that I really want to be saddled to another person forever.  well, I probably only have a good 30 years left in me anyway.  But, what if I never find the right guy and never get married?  What if all I have now is all I will ever have?  That would suck. 

I want to be a hair and make up artist.  Special occasions hair and make up.  I also want to be an event decor specialist.  Do flowers and decor, and invitations and all that for weddings and parties.  I want those things so bad.  I just don't know how to make it happen.  Especially not right now. 

My life sucks.  Can I trade? 

If I were a ship, I'd be a sunken ship.....

I am in a downward spiral right now.  I feel it.  My manic, impulsive nutso phase is over for the moment.  I have been so emotional lately.  I want to be alone.  I am isolating myself again.  I don't want to be touched or acknowledged.  I want to be invisible.  I want to disappear.  Honestly, I want to be dead.  But, if I died, who would take care of my boy?  He really would be left to fend for himself.  In all seriousness, he is the only reason I am still breathing.  At the moment, I feel so empty and alone.  Even though I am constantly surrounded by people, I am utterly alone.  The funny thing is, one part of me is screaming that I want EVERYONE to leave me alone.  The other part of me is crying to be loved and wanted. 

Yesterday sucked so bad.  I got my explanation.  I was given the reason for the last month.  It hurt so bad. 

I am not enough.  I never have been.  I never will be.  No one will ever want me for ME.  I have nothing to offer a man, but a physical relationship.  I have no accomplishments that make me appealing.  I have no place of my own.  I live with my parents.  I sleep on the couch.  I am in so much debt.  I have so much baggage.  I have no clue how to be in a relationship.  And who wants that?  I wouldn't. 

Every man I have ever cared for, chooses someone else.  Every time.  Every single time.

Most of it is my own fault.  A few of those men, were unavailable.  I ventured down the forbidden road and screwed myself.  But, a few were not unavailable in the relationship sense.  They turned out to be unavailable in the emotional sense. 

This seems to be my future.  I will be alone for probably the rest of my life. 

I hate my life. 

Damn you hormones.....

Lately, I hate music.  I hate the radio.  I hate the cds I have.  This is one week, I almost wish i was deaf.  My emotions are getting the better of me, and its very irritating.  I am one of those people that associates moments in my life with songs.  I hate that.  At the moment, most songs I hear are reminding me of the last few months of my life.  How did I end up this emotionally twisted over someone I never meant to feel anything for???  I didn't mean to fall for him.  I tried really hard not to.  I just wanted a distraction from the suffocating, soul crushing heartbreak I went thru just a few months earlier.  And he claimed to just want to be a distraction of sorts.  Then he started talking of feelings, and love, and the future.  And the sex was freaking incredible.  I took the bait.  He was so sweet and funny.  He was adorable.  He sang to me and made me listen to country music(gag).  He told me I was beautiful and to not be so self-conscious of my body.  He made me feel I WAS beautiful and desirable, and wanted and appreciated. 

And now he's disappeared.  Well, not really disappeared.  He's been on facebook.  But he's back with her I guess.  He dropped me off the 25th after we spent the whole day together and had a really good time.  At least I thought so.  That was the last time I heard from him or saw his face.  He must be done with me.  He's never disappeared this long before.  A few days, a week, maybe 2, but not this long.  And not ignoring every thing I try to reach out to him.  I suppose he realised I am too much for him.  Emotionally.  I suppose maybe, he just got bored.  I am just tired of supposing, and guessing, and wondering.  I quit.  I deleted him from facebook.  It was just too difficult to keep from stalking his page.  I don't like feeling like a stalker.  I'm too old for that shit. 

I need a distraction.  I need to close that chapter in my horrid book of love. 

I hate love. 

anxiety in overdrive

I feel like I am about to explode right now.  I am choking back the urge to scream as I type this.  It came over me all of a sudden the moment I pulled in the driveway.  Then as I walked in the house and was harrassed by my son about the store, well, it went into overdrive.  I am seriously about ready to punch walls and faces.  Its not really for any particular reason.  Well, maybe my surprise that I WILL NOT be child free for the next week.  Maybe that is a contributing factor of my anxiety and rage.  I would give anything for a few hours alone.  All to myself.  I haven't had any time to myself all alone since we moved back into this place.  I am surrounded by screaming kids, and people, all the time.  I need a vacation. 

I also havent had sex in a couple weeks.  That is a problem.  At least for me it is. 

I feel like there is a raging monster inside me, clawing at my insides trying to get out and destroy everything in its path.  I do not like when I feel like this.  I really don't.  I haven't felt like this in a while.  I want to start calling ex-boyfriends and argue with them.  I really want to call my son's father and spit and cuss at him.  I want to drive by the last one's house and demand an explanation as to why he stopped taking my calls, stopped calling, and basically put me on ignore.  Thank God, he is at work.  Whew! Crisis averted.  I want to call somebody and make arrangements to hook up and screw.  I need to do something.  I am freaking out.  I am going to burst.  seriously. 

And who are you, again??

That is a very good question.  My therapist asked me all the time who I was besides a mom.  I had no idea.  I still don't.  Oh.  Wait.  I am a whore.  And a crazy person.  And an idiot.  And alone. 

I finally put my finger on why I am always SO DAMN EXHAUSTED at night.  Because I spend all day pretending.  Pretending to be happy.  Pretending to be funny.  Pretending to be smart.  Pretending to be interesting.  Pretending to know what I am doing.  Pretending to be responsible.  Pretending to not hate people.  Pretending to not be scared to death of looking stupid in front of others.  So, when I get home and no longer have to pretend, well, dammit, I am spent.  And then I just crash.  Like a plane with only one wing.  I plummet straight to the ground.  And the weekends??? Well, if I don't make it out of the house by noon, I am not leaving at all.  Hell, I might not even change out of my pjs.  Too hard.  Its just too damn hard.  seriously.  Sometimes, I barely move at all from Friday night to Sunday night.  Its scary and sad. 

Please don't feed the animals. They bite.

Lately, I have been on a very intense series of mood swings.  Some days, I feel good.  Other days, I feel really wound up and anxious.  Some days, I feel drained and empty.  Some days, I want people to notice me and some days I want to be invisible.  Tonight, I feel empty, and anxious, and sad, and obsessive.  Like a caged lion, pacing, pacing, pacing, pacing.  Let me outta here, would ya????? 

Its been 17 days since the last time I heard from my friend.  17 whole days.  Its all I can fucking think about.  I am obsessing about it and its making me anxious and sad.  I keep wondering what ridiculous thing I did to make this happen.  I am sure I did something.  But, in reality, I don't think I did.  I think its just the way it is. 

I hate rejection.  Of any kind.  I may not want something, but if that something decides it no longer wants me or needs me, then, well that just won't do. 

But that was not the case.  I wanted this.  Maybe that is the issue.  I wanted it. 

This is why I don't invest my feelings in other people.  With the exception of that one particular jackass.  But, that is another post for another day.  Sort of.  He is the reason I don't invest anything real of myself.  But again.  Another post for another day. 

Tonight is about my here and now.  My current dilemma. 

I hate when people beg you to want them.  Go out of their way to prove themselves, so you will want them.  Try to let you see something special in them.  Then the minute you cave and open that door, lower your guard, take down your emotional barricade, they vanish.  Or hurt you.  Or turn into something else. 

Famous last words...."I'm not like everybody else.  You will see."  Wrong.  You are just like everyone else. 

And I am the dumb jackass for not recognizing it sooner.  Go Team Go. 

This is why I never believe anyone that tells me they love me.  Its usually not true.  And when it is, well, that's just tough. 

I am stuck on this.  I am stuck in the unknown.  I am stuck on the why. 

It kind of feels like I am suffocating.  Like I cant get air.  Kind of like that feeling when you are in a pitch black room and you can't feel anything around you.  The dark is almost suffocating you.  That is how I feel. 

I am no good at love, and no good at alone.  But I am really good at messing up my life. 

Those that mind don't matter.....

I started writing this blog, not really for public viewing.  I mean, what if someone I know reads it and figures out its me???  But, why should I care?  Most people who know me, already know me.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Well, sort of.  There are some things that even my closest family don't really know.  I think.  Some of the things in here, I am horrified to say out loud. And here, I don't actually have to "verbalize" them.  Typing and verbalizing are not the same things.  Honestly, I probably started it in the wrong place.  And maybe what I've put in here, should have stayed in my hall of skeletons.

Now that there are people actually reading this- Hi!!  Welcome to my insanity!- I wonder if I should censor this stuff.  At least a little.  I mean, who really wants to know the full level of my wretchedness???  

Maybe I'm Craaaaazaaaaayyyy

I have that stupid Gnarles Barkley song in my head.  Maybe I am crazy.  Just maybe. 

I am at a loss at the moment.  Things are unraveling quickly. 

I am too impulsive.  I am sure he is pissed at me now.  But, dammit, I dont give a rats ass.  He is supposed to give me a heads up.  He is not supposed to just stop calling or texting.  Either, he's pissed off or he's with her again.  Whatever the case may be, I am pissed off.  I have not heard from him since Saturday night.  WTF Will.  WTF. 

And then, last night, well, I just don't have any words for it.  But, I think that may have been the last time.  And I hope it is.  Sort of.  I will never get what I want from that situation, just like I never will with the above mentioned crap. 

so lets just keep it moving, shall we?

What the hell???

Why is it we have a good time, I think, and then he doesn't call?  I know I need to not let this bother me, but it does.  This is usually accompanied by him spending the next week or two with that other twat.  And in a week, he starts this new job and we will no longer have any time to spend together.  He will be working nights.  6pm to 6am.  Thursday thru Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday will be his only nights free.  I have a feeling this will take a very negative toll on our relationship.  I don't like it.  I want to be selfish and stomp my feet.  But, I can't.  That wouldn't be fair.  This person I am feeling like today is not the person I like.  She is insecure, obsessive, and just a real nutjob.  I don't like her. 

I have called him a few times today and he has not answered or called back.  He hasn't returned my text messages either.  What am I to think.  Lately, I talk to him every day.  I suppose this is the end of this cycle and her cycle is about to start.  Yay. 

How lucky am I?  If this lasts longer than today, I am gonna be really unhappy.  And bitchy.  And nobody likes that girl. 

Oh what a tangled web we weave....

My conscience is weighing so heavy on me right now.  I have been spending so much time lately with my honey.  It has been amazing.  Well, except for the day I went loo-loo.  I am missing him so much at the moment.  I want to snuggle up to him and fall asleep right now. I almost want to cry, I want it so much. 

But, my previous stupid act of craziness, is haunting me.  The fuckface is back to bothering me.  Taunting me.  Using his powers of mind control to make me do things I don't want to and know I shouldn't.  It is making me want to confess my dark, dirty sins and come clean to my honey.  I'm just scared to death of what will happen.  He was already pretty pissed about the fact that something happened with "someone".  But, for me to come back and tell him I lied about who??? Well, that might just fuck up everything. 

I don't want that to happen.  I don't want to run him away.  damn damn damn damn damn damn

Its no wonder I am still single

at the moment, I have this amazing guy in my life.  I keep doing dumb shit unintentionally and messing things up.  I also realize that I am in love with him.  And that is freaking me out.  The last person I loved, fucked me over so royally, I almost didn't recover.  I am still recovering I think.  But, this guy, is just, well, amazing.  He drives me crazy, but in a good way.  He makes me feel good about me.  He appreciates me.  He doesnt use me for money.  He is sweet, and funny, and he sings to me- weird, but so freaking adorable. 

Lately, we have been spending so much time together.  And I love it.  And then I freak.  He tells me he loves me, in the sweetest ways.  And the other night, I told him I loved him too.  Because I do.  I didn't mean to tell him yet.  I was afraid to say it out loud.  Shit always goes wrong when I say that word out loud.  People get hurt.  Usually me.  He thought it only came out because we were having sex.  But, that isn't why.  I almost said it earlier.  But, I stopped.  And then later, it came out.  I knew it was coming, I just chose not to stop it.  I wanted to scream it, of course.  I want to post it all over my damn facebook.  I want to tattoo his freaking name on my ass.  He doesn't really believe me when I tell him that he is THE MOST AMAZING lover I have ever had.  I mean  AMAZING.  I want to let him do things to me, that I have always hesitated or never allowed with anyone else.  But, he honestly is the very best.  I wish he really believed me. 

Then yesterday, I had one of my spazzmatron moments.  I don't know where it came from.  It just showed up.  One minute, we are enjoying each other.  The next, I am like a mute moron.  He wanted to have sex, and I just stood there.  Like a damn idiot.  How's that for awesome?  I bruised his ego.  And he was mad.  I don't blame him.  It came like a freight train barreling thru the room.  I think it was just the culmination of very little sleep, a comment he made earlier in the evening, the boy calling shortly before, and just me being me.  And I just stood there.  Frozen.  I wanted him so bad.  But, I couldn't move.  I just stood there.  He kept asking me what was wrong.  I kept saying nothing.  But I JUST STOOD THERE.  I just f-ing stood there.  I J U S T   S T O O D  T H E R E......  And the next thing I know, he's pissed and taking me home.  Rightfully so.  It was so ridiculous.  And I had NO real explanation.  I couldn't determine if it was my mom guilt from the boy calling, my insecurity at the comment made earlier, or my anxiety and fear about my feelings for him. 

I am no good at this relationship, dating thing.  I haven't been in a "relationship" since.... since.... well, since..... I guess since the fuckface and I were together when the boy was still in the oven.  Yes, there have been other men since then, and yes, some were regulars, and some were the only regular at times.  But, for one reason or another I didn't ever open my heart to any of them.  I came close once or twice.  But, nothing that felt the way this makes me feel.  Not that I remember anyway.  So, this love thing, is well, suffocating.  But, not in the way that it sounds.  okay, maybe a little.  Its more an anxious, "please don't fuck this up" suffocating kind of way.  And instead that exact thing keeps happening. 

I just cant get over the fact that something in me kept me from having the best sex a girl could possibly want.  And neither can he.  I want to fix this.  I want to make this up to him somehow.  I want him to know that my insanity isn't always an issue.  Sometimes, I just need a minute. 

I think I better find a psychiatrist.  Quick.  I need to get this under control.  Or I will be in serious trouble. 

when will you ever learn

I did something very stupid last night.  I am sure at some point in the future it will come back to haunt me.  My adventures in stupidity always do.  But I woke up this morning and felt free.  I felt amazing.  Perhaps it is just the euphoria of the sex that is wearing off, but, I doubt that.  That had worn off by the ride home.  On the ride home, I was on the verge of a panic attack.  I made a very big mistake, and I hope I never make it again.  I am just afraid I will.  I always do.  I wish I didn't. 

I am beginning to realize, no one has any idea who I really am.  Even I am not sure.  I am also a liar.  I cover up the truth, because it is so ugly.  Who would love me if they knew?  But, then again, who loves me now? 

All I was hoping for last night was clarity.  I wanted him to see where I was coming from, and I wanted him to show me the truth.  We ended up in some crappy, spider trap motel on the east side.  We also had THE BEST sex I can remember ever having with him.  Then it was over, and soon we were leaving.  And then the regret kicked in.  And then the panic started.  He was pressuring me to decide our future.  And asking me if I thought there was a chance for a future with "my lil boyfriend".  I couldn't answer him.  And I just kept panicking.  And trying to breathe.  And trying not to vomit. 

Then I asked him to take me by his house.  The house he keeps asking me to move into.  He wouldn't.  Said it was too late. There's no furniture.  He's not going to just to prove anything.  I should have asked when we left the motel.  and a million other excuses. 

I snapped.  That's it.  What is the big deal?  Just take me by there.  Its supposed to be by his moms.  We werent that far.  Just fucking take me by there.  Prove that you are telling the truth.  Prove it.  PROVE IT DAMMIT.  And he failed.  Like usual.  He is a liar.  A dirty, scheming liar.  And I hate him.  And I hate myself. 

I hope I never make this mistake again. 

my issues are limitless

I need to have my head examined.  I am such a retard.  what is my problem?  Do I enjoy this?  I must.  I keep doing it.  Keep getting wrapped up in it.  Why?  What am I getting out of it?  What is the benefit? 

I think I have borderline personality. 

I am reading up on it. 

I need a good psychiatrist. 

Or something. 

What in the world is wrong with people?

the strangest thing...

I miss him so much.  I miss his voice.  I miss his kiss.  I miss his touch.  I miss his face.  I miss his lips.  I miss his hands as they touch me.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss me when I am with him.  I miss the me that I am when he is near me.  I miss the me I am when we kiss.  I miss how he makes me feel.  I miss being wanted.  I miss being sung to.  I miss laughing.  I miss his silliness.  I miss feeling him.  I miss it all.

I wish I could take back what happened.  I wish things hadn't gotten so crazy.  I wish I wasn't so crazy.  I wish I wasn't so unbalanced.  I wish I wasn't so selfish.  I wish I wasn't so whorish.   I wish I didn't crave attention the way I do.  I wish I could fix this. 

I just don't think I can. 

watch out, I'm about to lose it!!

I am feeling so overwhelmed.  I feel like I am gonna snap any minute.  I don't know if its the living arrangements I am now confined to, or this emotional roller coaster I have been riding lately.  I think I am hitting my low.  I have been riding this crazy high lately, and now, I think I have finally reached the point where the car has to plummet.  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am so devastated with my actions lately.  I have been so taken over by my hormones that I allowed myself to do something so incredibly stupid, and unfixable.

I lied to someone very important to me.  I was feeling shitty about our arrangement, and felt neglected.  I allowed myself to be used by the worst possible person in the world.  Then I freaked and didn't know how to act.  I forgot to erase my text messages and he saw them.  And now, not only am I a liar, but I am also a whore. 

I wish I wasn't so flawed and damaged.  I wish I knew how to love and be loved.  But, I don't. 

I wish I could fix this.  I wish I could fix me.  I wish I could rewind time. 

But I can't. 

I wish I could tell him how sorry I am.  But I can't. 

He's gone. 

Does this make me a sex addict or a nympho-maniac???

I freaking love sex.  I mean seriously.  I LOVE IT.  If I had an awesome body, I just might be a porn star.  Or if it wasn't so gross, a freakin prostitute.  I mean, think about it.....  I could do what I love AND get paid for it???? Really???

Okay, being a prostitute is just gross.  So lets just cross that off my list.  And a porn star? Well, maybe not.  Don't really want everyone to be able to watch me work my magic.  I just want one- okay, maybe 2- guy to have sex with on a REGULAR basis.  And by regular, I mean, more than once a week.  I mean AT LEAST 3-4 times a week.  Preferrably daily, if not several times daily.  Having sex, makes me want to have MORE sex. I think about it at work, in the car, in the shower, at the grocery store, at the gas station, while I am brushing my teeth, while I walk the dog, while I mow the grass, while I take a poo..... well, I think you get the picture.  I have yet to find a man who wants it as much as me.  I am not asking for marriage or any of that.  Okay, yes that is what I would ultimately like.  To be married.  To a sex starved mandingo, who rocks my world daily. 

At the moment, I have one particular wizard that has the ability to make me see stars EVERY SINGLE TIME we do it, and only with penetration.  No tongue action needed.  That has NEVER happened to me.  I mean seriously.  This boy has the golden ticket in his pants!!  I don't call him Willy Wonka for nothing!!!  I want to screw his brains out every time I lay eyes on him.  When I think about the last time we had sex, I get all tingly and moist.  No joke.  He has put a serious spell on my vagina.  She is sprung.  Sure, he has another woman.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know, I know.  They have an agreement, and right now so do he and I.  As long as I don't fall madly in love with anything other than his dick, we are all gravy.  And my vagina, well, she is MADLY IN LOVE  with his disco stick.  He has made sex with anyone else, well, less than.  :(  Of course, it doesn't stop me from having sex. I crave sex like its heroine.  seriously. 

I would rather have sex than eat.  I would rather have sex than drink.  But, drinking makes me want to have sex.  I should probably not drink. 

I wasn't always this way.  Well, not as extreme.  I've always liked sex.  But, now I CRAVE it.  Like a vampire craves blood.  Like a junkie craves its next fix.  I am a sex junkie. 

I like it hard, rough, and aggressive. 

but, sometimes, I like it slow, and steady. 

I need a detox or rehab. 

yeah, not so much.  Thanks anyway. 

confusion and chaos

I am surrounded by confusion and chaos.  My brain is overwhelmed.  I am constantly on edge waiting for the next big storm.  I am screaming on the inside and smiling on the outside.  I am starving for affection.  I am annoyed by attention.  I am sexually deprived and sexually depraved.  I am tired but I can not sleep at night.  I am lonely but I want to be alone.  I feel ugly but want to be wanted.  I wish I could disappear but I want to be seen.  what is wrong with me?

Why are people so stupid

I am surrounded by psychopaths and morons. 

How do you choose someone else after dragging me along for almost 3 years and marry her but expect me to hang around and wait patiently just in case it doesn't work out???  How does that work?  Are you stupid?  Are you insane?  You are selfish, that is for sure. 

Then you finally tell me that you realize I was right.  You realize you need to let me go and let me live my own life.  You need to focus on you and being a father.  So do that.  Now, you want to act like that was never said.  You want to act like I am supposed to be giddy and excited when you call.  Uh, no.  And I am not supposed to call you out on your BS.  Uh, not so much. 

So, you want to tell me maybe you need to listen to your wife after all and rethink this divorce thing, and stay together and move away.  Why??? Cause you think it will change my mind?? You think it will kick my need in overdrive???  You are a jackass.  I hate you.  I wish when I found out about who you really were, I had walked away and never looked back.  But then a very important and special part of my life would not exist.  I wish that that night when I busted you with that homewrecker, I would have kicked your ass and kicked you out and never looked back.  I hate you. 

Now I have that chance.  To rid my life of you.  Get gone.  Kick rocks. 

I really need to turn this over to the Lord.  I really need him to take control of this.  I really want  some peace. 

One is the lonliest number

I really thought I was gonna be getting married this year.  I was mistaken.  I was a fool.  The worst part about it is that this time last year, I was doubting that decision.  By the end of last year that decision was made for me.  I know deep down it really is a blessing, but, it is still SO HARD to accept and grasp.  I really don't like being alone.  I don't like being almost 38 and never married.  I feel like I will end up spending the rest of my life ALONE and recovering from an ongoing heartbreak by the same person.  It never stops. 

How incredibly idiotic is it that the one person who has hurt and abused me more than anyone in the world, is the one person I struggle to let go of? It is unbelievable that I am this stupid and messed up that I need this treatment.  It is ridiculous.  I deserve better than that.  Don't I? 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I need to rid my heart and soul of his madness.  But once its gone, what will be left?