I am in a downward spiral right now. I feel it. My manic, impulsive nutso phase is over for the moment. I have been so emotional lately. I want to be alone. I am isolating myself again. I don't want to be touched or acknowledged. I want to be invisible. I want to disappear. Honestly, I want to be dead. But, if I died, who would take care of my boy? He really would be left to fend for himself. In all seriousness, he is the only reason I am still breathing. At the moment, I feel so empty and alone. Even though I am constantly surrounded by people, I am utterly alone. The funny thing is, one part of me is screaming that I want EVERYONE to leave me alone. The other part of me is crying to be loved and wanted.
Yesterday sucked so bad. I got my explanation. I was given the reason for the last month. It hurt so bad.
I am not enough. I never have been. I never will be. No one will ever want me for ME. I have nothing to offer a man, but a physical relationship. I have no accomplishments that make me appealing. I have no place of my own. I live with my parents. I sleep on the couch. I am in so much debt. I have so much baggage. I have no clue how to be in a relationship. And who wants that? I wouldn't.
Every man I have ever cared for, chooses someone else. Every time. Every single time.
Most of it is my own fault. A few of those men, were unavailable. I ventured down the forbidden road and screwed myself. But, a few were not unavailable in the relationship sense. They turned out to be unavailable in the emotional sense.
This seems to be my future. I will be alone for probably the rest of my life.
I hate my life.
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