I hate my job. I like some of the people I work with. But, I hate what I am doing. Billing. I hate it. I don't know why I took this job. For the check I guess. That is what happens when you lose your long time job and you have a kid to support. You take the first piece of crap job that comes along. Or maybe I took it to stay busy. I hate sitting at home. It depresses me. Weekends are depressing for me. I have nothing to do most of the time. Especially since I am not seeing anyone. I hate my job. I feel like I will never get a full grasp on it. I hate this douchebag I work with. The douchewad that was supposed to train me. I hate that dude. He is a shiesty, fake, whiney bitch ass, condescending horse's ass. I want to just punch his face in, all f'ng day long. I can't stand him. I wish my boss would seriously acknowledge what a twat he is and fire his ass.
I hate where I live. I live at my parents house. with my sister and her obnoxious brats. There is non-stop screaming and whining and fighting and bickering. They are like little tasmanian devils. I can't stand it. They leave a trail of chaos every where they go. And my kid just adds to it. Its a serious issue. I hate it here.
I am a commitment phobe. I think I am scared of real commitment. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to invest my whole everything to another person and them rip me apart at the seams. I have experienced that. It hurts like hell. It hurts really fucking bad. It almost killed me. twice. I desperately want to be loved. But, I don't want to hurt. I also am not sure if I am really worthy of love. I am fundamentally broken. Who would want someone who lives at her parents house, is in a mountain of debt, and has children by different men? Who would want a woman that panics when she feels someone is too close? A woman who is ridiculously jealous? A woman that has a voracious sexual appetite until she feels like she is being treated like a REAL whore? A woman that if she feels neglected or abandoned will seek comfort in the past?
I am not sure why God allowed me to have children. I never liked them much. Other people's kids. I love babies, but the toddlers thru adults, they make me anxious and frustrated. I have no idea what to say to kids who can actually talk. I mean, my own kids, I love them like there is no tomorrow. I would give my life to save theirs. Kids are mean and nasty creatures.
I want to get married really badly. I am almost 40. 2 years away from 40. But, I am afraid I only want the wedding and not the actual marriage or life long commitment. Just the wedding. The dress, the cake, the ceremony, the decor, the flowers, the reception. the party. But, I am not sure that I really want to be saddled to another person forever. well, I probably only have a good 30 years left in me anyway. But, what if I never find the right guy and never get married? What if all I have now is all I will ever have? That would suck.
I want to be a hair and make up artist. Special occasions hair and make up. I also want to be an event decor specialist. Do flowers and decor, and invitations and all that for weddings and parties. I want those things so bad. I just don't know how to make it happen. Especially not right now.
My life sucks. Can I trade?
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