Please don't feed the animals. They bite.

Lately, I have been on a very intense series of mood swings.  Some days, I feel good.  Other days, I feel really wound up and anxious.  Some days, I feel drained and empty.  Some days, I want people to notice me and some days I want to be invisible.  Tonight, I feel empty, and anxious, and sad, and obsessive.  Like a caged lion, pacing, pacing, pacing, pacing.  Let me outta here, would ya????? 

Its been 17 days since the last time I heard from my friend.  17 whole days.  Its all I can fucking think about.  I am obsessing about it and its making me anxious and sad.  I keep wondering what ridiculous thing I did to make this happen.  I am sure I did something.  But, in reality, I don't think I did.  I think its just the way it is. 

I hate rejection.  Of any kind.  I may not want something, but if that something decides it no longer wants me or needs me, then, well that just won't do. 

But that was not the case.  I wanted this.  Maybe that is the issue.  I wanted it. 

This is why I don't invest my feelings in other people.  With the exception of that one particular jackass.  But, that is another post for another day.  Sort of.  He is the reason I don't invest anything real of myself.  But again.  Another post for another day. 

Tonight is about my here and now.  My current dilemma. 

I hate when people beg you to want them.  Go out of their way to prove themselves, so you will want them.  Try to let you see something special in them.  Then the minute you cave and open that door, lower your guard, take down your emotional barricade, they vanish.  Or hurt you.  Or turn into something else. 

Famous last words...."I'm not like everybody else.  You will see."  Wrong.  You are just like everyone else. 

And I am the dumb jackass for not recognizing it sooner.  Go Team Go. 

This is why I never believe anyone that tells me they love me.  Its usually not true.  And when it is, well, that's just tough. 

I am stuck on this.  I am stuck in the unknown.  I am stuck on the why. 

It kind of feels like I am suffocating.  Like I cant get air.  Kind of like that feeling when you are in a pitch black room and you can't feel anything around you.  The dark is almost suffocating you.  That is how I feel. 

I am no good at love, and no good at alone.  But I am really good at messing up my life.