at the moment, I have this amazing guy in my life. I keep doing dumb shit unintentionally and messing things up. I also realize that I am in love with him. And that is freaking me out. The last person I loved, fucked me over so royally, I almost didn't recover. I am still recovering I think. But, this guy, is just, well, amazing. He drives me crazy, but in a good way. He makes me feel good about me. He appreciates me. He doesnt use me for money. He is sweet, and funny, and he sings to me- weird, but so freaking adorable.
Lately, we have been spending so much time together. And I love it. And then I freak. He tells me he loves me, in the sweetest ways. And the other night, I told him I loved him too. Because I do. I didn't mean to tell him yet. I was afraid to say it out loud. Shit always goes wrong when I say that word out loud. People get hurt. Usually me. He thought it only came out because we were having sex. But, that isn't why. I almost said it earlier. But, I stopped. And then later, it came out. I knew it was coming, I just chose not to stop it. I wanted to scream it, of course. I want to post it all over my damn facebook. I want to tattoo his freaking name on my ass. He doesn't really believe me when I tell him that he is THE MOST AMAZING lover I have ever had. I mean AMAZING. I want to let him do things to me, that I have always hesitated or never allowed with anyone else. But, he honestly is the very best. I wish he really believed me.
Then yesterday, I had one of my spazzmatron moments. I don't know where it came from. It just showed up. One minute, we are enjoying each other. The next, I am like a mute moron. He wanted to have sex, and I just stood there. Like a damn idiot. How's that for awesome? I bruised his ego. And he was mad. I don't blame him. It came like a freight train barreling thru the room. I think it was just the culmination of very little sleep, a comment he made earlier in the evening, the boy calling shortly before, and just me being me. And I just stood there. Frozen. I wanted him so bad. But, I couldn't move. I just stood there. He kept asking me what was wrong. I kept saying nothing. But I JUST STOOD THERE. I just f-ing stood there. I J U S T S T O O D T H E R E...... And the next thing I know, he's pissed and taking me home. Rightfully so. It was so ridiculous. And I had NO real explanation. I couldn't determine if it was my mom guilt from the boy calling, my insecurity at the comment made earlier, or my anxiety and fear about my feelings for him.
I am no good at this relationship, dating thing. I haven't been in a "relationship" since.... since.... well, since..... I guess since the fuckface and I were together when the boy was still in the oven. Yes, there have been other men since then, and yes, some were regulars, and some were the only regular at times. But, for one reason or another I didn't ever open my heart to any of them. I came close once or twice. But, nothing that felt the way this makes me feel. Not that I remember anyway. So, this love thing, is well, suffocating. But, not in the way that it sounds. okay, maybe a little. Its more an anxious, "please don't fuck this up" suffocating kind of way. And instead that exact thing keeps happening.
I just cant get over the fact that something in me kept me from having the best sex a girl could possibly want. And neither can he. I want to fix this. I want to make this up to him somehow. I want him to know that my insanity isn't always an issue. Sometimes, I just need a minute.
I think I better find a psychiatrist. Quick. I need to get this under control. Or I will be in serious trouble.
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