when will you ever learn

I did something very stupid last night.  I am sure at some point in the future it will come back to haunt me.  My adventures in stupidity always do.  But I woke up this morning and felt free.  I felt amazing.  Perhaps it is just the euphoria of the sex that is wearing off, but, I doubt that.  That had worn off by the ride home.  On the ride home, I was on the verge of a panic attack.  I made a very big mistake, and I hope I never make it again.  I am just afraid I will.  I always do.  I wish I didn't. 

I am beginning to realize, no one has any idea who I really am.  Even I am not sure.  I am also a liar.  I cover up the truth, because it is so ugly.  Who would love me if they knew?  But, then again, who loves me now? 

All I was hoping for last night was clarity.  I wanted him to see where I was coming from, and I wanted him to show me the truth.  We ended up in some crappy, spider trap motel on the east side.  We also had THE BEST sex I can remember ever having with him.  Then it was over, and soon we were leaving.  And then the regret kicked in.  And then the panic started.  He was pressuring me to decide our future.  And asking me if I thought there was a chance for a future with "my lil boyfriend".  I couldn't answer him.  And I just kept panicking.  And trying to breathe.  And trying not to vomit. 

Then I asked him to take me by his house.  The house he keeps asking me to move into.  He wouldn't.  Said it was too late. There's no furniture.  He's not going to just to prove anything.  I should have asked when we left the motel.  and a million other excuses. 

I snapped.  That's it.  What is the big deal?  Just take me by there.  Its supposed to be by his moms.  We werent that far.  Just fucking take me by there.  Prove that you are telling the truth.  Prove it.  PROVE IT DAMMIT.  And he failed.  Like usual.  He is a liar.  A dirty, scheming liar.  And I hate him.  And I hate myself. 

I hope I never make this mistake again.