mirror mirror on the wall...

I hate looking in the mirror.  Most times I avoid all eye contact with the mirror.  In fact, all reflective surfaces make me that way.  Then there are times I force myself to actually look at my reflection.  Usually the only time I make any real effort to look in the mirror is in the morning, getting ready for work.  About once a day, I look at my reflection and say "eh, its not so bad".  But then at times when I catch a glimpse of myself, I say "uggggghhhhh..... what a trainwreck...."  I am in a bit of denial that I have gained weight some days.  But, when I can't button my pants very easily, it is not so easy to ignore.  I keep looking for motivation to actually exercise, but I just can't locate it.  It is a fleeting search.  And I just don't really have the motivation to find my motivation.   But, I desperately need to find it.  I want to feel better about myself.  desperately.  Okay, maybe not DESPERATELY but I do need to find it.  and I do want to feel better about myself and the way I look.  I want to feel sexy and attractive.  Right now I feel the total opposite.  blechhhhy.  

I hate myself for being weak

I really do.  I hate myself when I am weak.  I am generally a neurotic, paranoid, self conscious, scaredy cat.  But, it becomes magnified in times of conflict, stress or relationships.

My son's father makes me very weak and very much a victim.  Well, okay, maybe I make myself the victim. But, for some reason, he has the ability to mindfuck me at a moment's notice.  Deep down, I am obnoxiously conflicted about him.  On the one hand, I hate him with every fiber of my being.  I really do.  He has hurt and abused me in too many ways.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, financially..... you name it, he has probably done it.  But the truly sad and scary part, is that I have basically let him.  I become a scared little girl, afraid to refuse.  I turn into a psychotic mess.  I can't bear the thought of having him anywhere near me, but at the same time, I freak sometimes at the thought of him truly being gone from my life.

We will always have some sort of connection, I suppose.  We have a son together.  I wish I could say I would be thrilled if he just seriously disappeared from our lives all together.  but, then that stupid part of me pops up and takes over.  That panicked little girl who feels abandoned.  Where is he? Why did he leave? What did I do wrong?  What can I do to fix it?  Why am I not good enough?  Why didn't he love me?

I have been thru hell with this man.  I mean, serious hell.  He makes me leave all logic and reason behind.  I forget what makes sense.  I forget how to think for myself.

I have not spoken to him in a couple weeks.  I am trying to avoid him.  He has called, but I didn't answer.  But, in the quiet hours, I obsess about him.  Its sickening.  I obsess about where he is.  I think about why he didn't choose me.  I obsess about wanting to ruin his marriage, since he refuses to leave me alone.  I just obsess about it.  But, at the same time, I am praying he really will just leave me alone.  Even if that means he really never will be the father Justin needs.

I have been trying to cleanse myself of him.  But, then I see him or talk to him and i lose myself.  Its almost like being in a trance around him.  The few times that I can refrain from falling under his "spell", its only because I am seething with anger.  When I get really into my seething obsessive anger at how deeply he hurt me this last time, it is the only thing that keeps me from getting sucked in.  And then he tells me I am crazy and gets mad or pouty and leaves or hangs up. And later, guilt kicks me in the face.

It is a vicious cycle that is swallowing me whole and taking my life.  I wish I could get amnesia and forget all about him.  But he would just show up and fuck me up all over again.

He's like a cancer.  The terminal kind.  The kind that is slow and tortures you completely until you are just dead.

One of these days, I will bring myself to start blogging about our history.  Maybe it could be like a cleansing of my soul.  Right now, I feel trapped.  like I am being swallowed by a monster.  I can't sort it all out, and maybe I am a little afraid to.  I get nauseous just thinking about trudging through our past.  It is so ugly and so scary and so painful, it makes me anxious.

seeing an illusion of reality

I think most of the time I am parading around in an illusion of reality.  Not real reality, but a shade of reality.  My perception of things is just so distorted and fucked up.  Seriously just fucked up.  For a moment I thought I was having a maturity discovery, but then it occurred to me it was just my insecurity kicking my ass.

Brief back story behind this discovery..... several years ago I was friends with a co-worker.  Good friends.  She and her long-time boyfriend decided to get married.  He was dying(they thought anyway) and they wanted to make it official before he croaked.  Pension reasons because he's ex-military and he wanted to ensure her security.  So anyway, they are getting married.  At the wedding, I met his friend.  OH MY GAWD. This guy was so gorgeous, my panties literally just melted.  like this dude was and is seriously so freaking hot its ridiculous.  In all my years, I have never met anyone as attractive as this guy.  I have only seen this deliciousness on tv or in movies.  He is so freaking wonderful.  okay....moving on.

So anyway.  The whole day I couldn't stop myself from looking(well eye molesting is probably more accurate)at this guy.  at one point in the evening at their "reception", he was sitting directly across from me.  my eyes fell on his lap.  And what do my eyes discover.... his "member" is literally sitting on his lap.  This thing is like halfway down his thigh.  and looks like its as big as a damn toddler's arm.  SERIOUSLY. I DO NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.  I nearly choked on my beer.

And to make things even more crazy, at the end of the night, he invites me to his house.  I don't go of course, because I wasnt the only one he invited.  But, he did give me his number.  Did I use it???? NO.  I was a coward.  But, for almost a year, I thought about this guy.  I couldn't get him out of my mind.  Then I end up moving in to my friend's empty downstairs apt.  I start seeing this guy by my son's daycare.  He worked by there.  Then he came over to their house.  Finally at one point we do end up hooking up.  But he had a girlfriend. I know, I am a bitch.  But that was pretty much it.

Then one day I saw him on facebook and sent him a request.  He accepted it.  That was about a year ago.

The other day, i sent him a message from my vagina...okay not really.... just saying that he was the sexiest man I have ever met and I just wanted to tell him. He asked for my number.  I gave it to him.  HE CALLED IT..... Then of course, the conversations veered toward hooking up.  MY VAGINA SAYS HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!  And then the rest of me freaks out.  I panic.  I start thinking about how much I don't want just a sexual encounter.  I want a man that wants a relationship, or at least some sort of a relationship.  And then my insecurity actually kicked me in the face.  OH MY GOD.  I am fat and hideous.  He probably wouldn't even want to have sex with me.  This dude is so gorgeous, he would probably be nauseous seeing me anywhere near naked.  I know I usually am when I see myself naked. I have gained weight in the last year and now feel gross and disgusting.

When I feel this way, I hermitize.  I become very antisocial.  I hate it.  But I hate my fat disgusting body even more.  I am so gross.  just gross.

So, what do I do??? stop texting or calling-well, more like answering calls or texts.  I am not the one to ever call or text first.

I feel like I owe him an explanation.... but how do you tell a guy who wants to hook up that you can't bring yourself to do it because you see a disgusting pig when you look at yourself and don't want to subject anyone else to the grossness????  He would definitely think I am insane and probably be like "thanks for saving me that drama...."

So, the lesson of the day is, I have not matured.  I have just gotten fat again.  and now I am so insecure I will probably never have sex again.

This makes me so sad.  Should I call this guy????

I know nobody actually reads this crap, so I know there isn't anyone to answer me.  But thanks anyway.....

blindness...in the heart... not the eyes

sometimes, I amaze myself with how stupid I have been my whole life.

I just finished reading some old posts on a board from a site I used to frequent.  Once upon a time, I fooled myself into thinking I would marry my son's father.  I allowed him to suck me in and I rode that train for a long, long time.  I was so blind.  Such a damn fool.  What an eye-opening experience.  Wow.

I had doubts all along, but, kept pushing them way way down, simply because I just didn't want to be alone anymore.  And also because it was so hard seeing my boy so broken hearted and mad all the time, missing his dad.  I felt like he was out of his life because of me.  I just wanted to fix it.

Maybe it was also a little bit of not accepting rejection.  He never really cared about or loved me.  I was just the stupid girl who wouldn't go away.  He liked to use me and abuse me and throw me away until the next time he needed a victim.  And I was the easiest target.  I might say no, but, in the end, he would get what he wanted.  Even if that meant against my will.

I spent 12 years trying to convince him to be a father to his son who desperately needed him.  He didn't care and it would seem, still doesn't.  I have been such a fool.  A stupid, stupid fool.  I have lost so much over the years-cars, money, apartments, bank accounts, time, and most importantly my daughter.

I am only a stone's throw from 40 and I have nothing to show for it.

My son is 13 and still is without a father-technically.  I am so broken hearted that he may never have a real father.  I wasted so much time running after this jackass, that I may have condemned us both to this life-no husband/life partner, no father.

I spent so much time convincing myself that things were not what they really were.  I feel like such a fool.

And over the last year, I fell back in that same hole.  I keep trying to crawl out of that hole, and he keeps grabbing my ankle and pulling me back down.  He triggers a very negative reaction in me, every single time.  He harrasses me, i reject him.  He rejects me, I chase him.  over and over and over.  I begged him to leave me alone when he came home to her and then subsequently married her.  I begged him to go away.  He just kept coming around.  Kept trying to make me feel bad for changing my mind about us.  tried to make me feel bad for worrying about how our relationship would affect my relationship with my daughter.  he didn't care what the damage would be.  He didn't care at all.  He only cared about himself.

And in the end, I found out he lied the whole time anyway.  What else is new?

What is more humiliating than realizing you have wasted half your life on a selfish loser sociopath that can't love anyone but themselves?  Nothing.  Not even showing up at work naked by accident.

Nothing.

I am such a fool.  And a terrible mother.

I can feel it coming in the air....

As usual, my insanity is kicking in. Yay for cycling- and I in no way mean on a bike.
My irrational mind is invading my space again. I realized it last night. I caught myself fantasizing about my boss. Just for a second. But it was long enough to spook me.
My libido is kicking in again and that is not a good thing. My hoo-haa has a mind of her own and gets me into very bad things. She makes me do things I will regret later. Or should I say people...
I started thinking about the babydaddy, and that's very bad. Very very bad. Then I seriously went down my list of possibles. None are good.
Maybe I need to have my vagina removed...... she's bad.

I hate everyone

There.  I said it.  I hate everyone.

Okay.  Maybe not EVERYONE. But almost everyone. Those I don't hate??? My son, my daughter, my maternal grandma, my younger paternal female cousin and her daughter, my paternal aunts, my maternal aunt and her kids, one of my paternal 3rd female cousins, my boss, my dad(but sometimes i do hate him too), a couple of the sales guys at work....everyone else is fair game for the hate train.

I pulled into the driveway and just started crying.  The actual act of pulling into the driveway and looking at the house caused me to cry.  That and the realization that I may never make it out of here alive.  literally and figuratively.

I'm so sick of being here, but even more sick of complaining about it.  So, I just try not to think about it.  Then someone will ask me what kind of plan I have to get out of here.  And I have no answer.  There is no plan.  There is no money.  There is no hope.  There is no plan.  Its pathetic.

I feel like such a loser.

Weird if you ask me....

Why is it that the only place I can sort of feel-or maybe its just pretending to feel-ok is at the job I hate. Right now its all that keeps me sane. Its the only place I can sort of breathe.

The minute I pull into the driveway at home I am drowning. Its like a black cloud descends over me, crushing what little peace or fleeting happiness I had. When I drive home,the closer I get, the more empty or stressed I start to feel.

Its a horrible feeling. And I have it every day.

And I have no escape.

I'm doomed.

IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER

I AM SUFFOCATING ON MY DESPAIR.  NO ONE EVEN NOTICES.  NO ONE GIVES A DAMN.

THE ONLY THING I FEEL IS HOLLOW.  BUT THERE'S ANGER TOO.  I AM SO ANGRY.

I AM ANGRY THAT I AM TRAPPED IN THIS BODY.  I AM ANGRY THAT I AM TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE.  I AM ANGRY THAT THIS MAN WILL NOT STOP TORTURING ME.

HOW DID HIS CHOICE BECOME MY FAULT?  HOW DID IT BECOME MY FAULT?  HOW DID IT BECOME MY FAULT?

HOW DID I BECOME SO INSIGNIFICANT THAT HE CAN CHOOSE HER AND NOT THINK ABOUT HOW IT WOULD KILL ME?

HOW DID I BECOME SO VALUELESS THAT HE EXPECTS ME TO SIT HERE WHILE HE LIVES HIS LIFE?

HOW DID I BECOME SO UNIMPORTANT THAT HE FORGOT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

 HOW DID I LOSE SO MUCH TIME?

HOW COULD HE THROW ME ASIDE?

HOW COULD HE HURT ME SO DEEP AND THINK I WILL WAIT FOREVER FOR HIM TO STOP  HURTING ME?

HOW DO I STOP THIS CIRCUS?

WHY CAN'T I JUST RIP OUT MY HEART?  IT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE.  ITS BROKEN AND WON'T EVER WORK RIGHT.

drowning.......

i can't catch my breath
i can't reach the top
i can't reach it

i can't push my head above this sea
i can't get air
i can't breathe

you keep pulling me down
down into the blackness
down into your abyss

i keep trying to scream
it just keeps filling my lungs
it just keeps coming

drowning
sinking
suffocating

your lies are like the current
dragging me away
drowning me

i can't breathe
i can't breathe
i can't breathe

i'm drowning
can't you see that
please let me go

empty with a side of suck

I cant really remember the last time I felt anything.  Like really felt something.  Sex was always my way of feeling something, other than despair.  Now I don't even want sex.  I just want to die. 

I wake up every day wondering why I keep waking up.  I muddle thru every day, waiting for it to end. 

I don't think anyone knows what I am going thru, nor do I think anyone really cares.  I am not sure I care whether anyone cares, either. 

Being in this house is draining all the life out of me.  All the joy, all the desire, all the anything.  Its just gone. 

When I leave the house, I feel better.  As the day progresses away from this place, its like I am revived.  But then I pull in the driveway, and its all gone.  My life is gone. 

I feel like the minute I came back here, I killed myself.  My body just continues to move around. 

And now, I don't see any way of saving myself or the boy.  I feel doomed.  I feel trapped. 

I feel dead. 

fool me once, shame on you. Fool me again, shame on me....

17 years is a long time to love someone.  17 years is longer than most marriages.  17 years is a long time to love a person you never have been married to.  17 years is a lot of years to waste on one person.  17 years.  17 Valentine's Days.  17 birthdays.  17 Christmases.  17 years. 

Tomorrow is Valentines day.  wooopidydoo. 

This is not my first Valentine's day I will be spending alone.  It is the 17th.  in. a. row.

2 years ago, I thought that one was gonna be the last one I would ever have to spend alone.  That Christmas too.  I was wrong.  very very wrong. 

Lately, I have been drowning in memories.  Drowning in past conversations.  Drowning in broken promises.  Drowning.  Just drowning. 

I don't think I will ever spend Valentine's day with a sweetheart or lover or boyfriend or husband.  Not one of my own.  I am not destined to be anyone's sweetheart or lover or girlfriend or wife or #1 or only one.  I will never have that luxury or that gift or that blessing or that joy. 

I will only be somebody's option or back-up or plaything or #2. 

My son's father is in the hospital.  He calls me after being there a couple days.  He lies at first about exactly where he is.  He only calls to see if I care.  After I get upset, he tells me where he really is.  But he also makes it clear that me visiting is probably a bad idea.  The whore/wife might see me or hear I went up there.  There could be drama.  It would put more stress on his already life threateningly high blood pressure.  He doesn't need that. 

I give him a thorough bitch out and refuse to speak to him the rest of the day.  Fuck him and that whore. 

The next day, after I have cried all the previous day and night, I take his call. 

I am so broken by this man.  I loved him so much.  I thought we were getting married.  I thought we were going to be a family this time.  I was wrong.  I was mistaken.  I was a fool. 

He talks about wanting to see me, and once his family comes and leaves, I can come up.  He wants to see me so bad.  He will call me when they leave. 

He texts an hour before visiting hours are over.  That is not enough time to get ready and get up there.  As usual, I was a fool.  I was mistaken.  I am hurt.  I lash out.  I shut down. 

Today, I tell myself, give up.  Its over.  Stop chasing a dream that is never gonna be real. 

Tonite, I decide to just go up there to see him.  I miss him.  I am worried about him. 

I get to the hospital.  I am nervous.  I am anxious.  What if people are there?  What if CuntBag is there?  He will be so mad.  Too bad.  Fuck them all.  If he reallly loves me, it won't matter. 

I get to his floor.  I slowly get off the elevator.  I look for his room.  I stop at the nurses station.  No one sees or talks to me.  I head to his room.  I feel like I am moving in slow motion.  I peek in.  I am making sure no one else is there.  The coast is clear.  He sees me.  He doesn't smile.  He isn't happy to see me. 

He says only this to me....."So you decide to just show up.  You don't call first?" 

I kind of laugh my nervous laugh, thinking he is just kidding...."Nope."  I said. 

"You can't do that.  I told you that."  knife. in. the. heart.

"okay" I whispered.  I got up and left.  and cried all the way down to the first floor. 

This man will never really ever know how much he crushes my heart.  He will never know the depths of my love.  He will never love me back.  never. 

Just when I thought we were going to start a life, he started a different one with the one woman that will ruin him.  She is killing him.  and he is killing me.  I am dead inside.  September 2010 was the month I died.  emotionally.  I. am. dead. inside.

He will never love me, but he won't leave me alone. 

He won't go away. 

He is like my own personal demon that keeps possessing my soul. 

He is the ghost haunting my dreams. 

He is the other half of my being.  And he will never love me.  He never did. 

I was just a stupid fool.  I still am. 

I still am.........

how can you mend a broken heart

This love is like a scab that wont heal.  I keep picking at it until it bleeds.  Then it scabs again.  Then I pick at it, and it bleeds. Over and over and over.  It never stops. 

I am so confused about all of it. 

I keep thinking it will stop, or it will get right.  It doesn't stop and it isn't right. 

I feel so empty.  So very empty. 

He doesn't see how much this rips me apart.  He doesn't care either.  As long as I never go away, everything is fine.  But, we can't actually be together.  I am just expected to wait. To be ready. 

I will never have a normal life.  A normal relationship.  A normal anything. 

I will end up alone.  I already am alone. 

I will die a lonely old woman who loved a man who would never love me back. 

And the only person I can blame is me. 

I allowed it. 

I sat by and let it happen. 

I waited. 

I lost.

Single- is it my destiny or self-sabotage?

Whenever Valentines day approaches, I get all introspective. It occurred to me that I have been single on Valentine's day since I have been an adult. Sure, sure... I have been "involved" around that time, but a committed relationship??? Nope. Not since high school.  Does that make me a loser? Sometimes I think so.

I used to really hate V-Day at the old job. Sitting at that front desk, signing for all those other women's flowers... horrible. Sitting there wishing it was mine, knowing none would be. Now, at this job, I no longer have to sign for anyone's stupid flowers. But I still am single and still not getting my own flowers.

I wish I could stop whatever it is that I do to keep me single. I run away from love and attention until I no longer get it. Then I am angry that it's gone and no one is chasing me. That is truly ridiculous. I am ridiculous.

People are stupid, and I hate everyone.....

except my kids.  Everyone else can go suck a bag of dicks. 

Living at home has become the nightmare I remember.  I really hate it here.  I really hate it here alot.  This was the worst decision I have made in a long time.  THE WORST.  Falling for the boy's dad's bullcrap all over again is a REALLY CLOSE 2ND.   That is partly what landed me back in hell. 

I feel myself drowning.  I am literally drowning on the inside.  I have lost all interest in everything.  My job has become my ONLY refuge.  And I really don't even like my job.  But it is the only place I feel like I am actually alive.  When I am at this crazy house, I feel empty, dead.  I barely even move.  Its so bad, I will hold my pee until I just can't anymore, just so I don't have to move.  I just want to disappear. 

No one even notices.  No one even cares.  But, that isn't unusual.  That's been my life.  I am invisible.  I am the invisible woman.  People know I am here, but no one sees me.  And no one notices when I am vanishing.  I feel like everything I am, everything I want, everything I love is gone.  I have no way out.  I have no hope.  I have no money.  I have nothing. 

I keep trying to make plans to get out of this dungeon, but I cant get going. 

I keep trying to figure out how to feel better, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I just don't care. 

A part of me secretly wishes that lump I found would have been cancer and I could have been dead by now. 

But then I think about my poor boy, and the state he would be in if I died.  He'd be left with my sorry ass family, or his sorry ass father, or the sorry ass system. 

Its bad enough he is stuck with me, his sorry ass mother.  But to leave him alone???  that's the same as sending a lamb into a pack of hungry wolves.  I love him too much to do that. 

He really is the only thing keeping me alive.  Him and my daughter.  But, I have never been much of a mother to her, thanks to some stupid fucking people.  And that just makes me feel worse. 

I just hate everyone. Everyone except my kids.  Everyone else can go suck a bag of dicks.  period.

disappearing act

Oh, if only I really were invisible.  It would be great.  Or would it??  I have been away from my blog for a few months, not that I blogged really regular anyway, and besides, no one reads this crap anyway.  I guess its more for me, so does it matter if I never come back?  Will anyone care if I don't blog once a week or month or whatever? Probably not. 

I find myself wanting to disappear alot lately.  Literally and figuratively.  Nothing seems that important anymore.  I could care less about my job. I hate it actually.  I could care less about my family, except my kids.  I could care less about my relationships.  There are none.  Really, I just want to disappear.  I mean, like disintegrate like a pile of ash in the wind, or one of those stupid fluffy dandelion flowers on a windy day.  Poof.  gone. 

I am finding myself more emotional lately, but also unbelievably numb.  My self-esteem is at an all-time low.  My sex drive is gone.  My need to be around anyone is almost non-existant.  I am running anyone who pays attention to me away.  I want to be left alone.  Maybe I am just fed up with everyone and everything. 

The holidays really depress me.  I hate them.  I have nothing to get all "in the spirit" about.  I have no "better/other half", and the rest of my life just sucks balls. 

Honestly, I kind of just want to die. 

I just don't want to hurt my kids.  I love them too much. And besides, who would actually take care of my boy? He can be a big responsibility, and I don't think anyone would willingly take that on.  Not even his father.  Hell, he can't even see his son on Christmas.  Its been almost 2 weeks since Christmas and he hasn't even taken the time to come by.  The really sad thing is that it bothers me more than the boy.  I need to let that go.  I really do.  Some things and some people will just never change.  It is beyond my control. 

But that is probably the one and only thing that keeps me breathing every day.  Knowing I may really be all my sweet boy has in this shithole of a world.  And I feel he deserves much more than just his crazy sad idiotic mother. 

I feel so hopeless. 

I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up. 

But, I will wake up.  I have no choice.  Its not my time to go.  Is it?