mirror mirror on the wall...

I hate looking in the mirror.  Most times I avoid all eye contact with the mirror.  In fact, all reflective surfaces make me that way.  Then there are times I force myself to actually look at my reflection.  Usually the only time I make any real effort to look in the mirror is in the morning, getting ready for work.  About once a day, I look at my reflection and say "eh, its not so bad".  But then at times when I catch a glimpse of myself, I say "uggggghhhhh..... what a trainwreck...."  I am in a bit of denial that I have gained weight some days.  But, when I can't button my pants very easily, it is not so easy to ignore.  I keep looking for motivation to actually exercise, but I just can't locate it.  It is a fleeting search.  And I just don't really have the motivation to find my motivation.   But, I desperately need to find it.  I want to feel better about myself.  desperately.  Okay, maybe not DESPERATELY but I do need to find it.  and I do want to feel better about myself and the way I look.  I want to feel sexy and attractive.  Right now I feel the total opposite.  blechhhhy.