disappearing act

Oh, if only I really were invisible.  It would be great.  Or would it??  I have been away from my blog for a few months, not that I blogged really regular anyway, and besides, no one reads this crap anyway.  I guess its more for me, so does it matter if I never come back?  Will anyone care if I don't blog once a week or month or whatever? Probably not. 

I find myself wanting to disappear alot lately.  Literally and figuratively.  Nothing seems that important anymore.  I could care less about my job. I hate it actually.  I could care less about my family, except my kids.  I could care less about my relationships.  There are none.  Really, I just want to disappear.  I mean, like disintegrate like a pile of ash in the wind, or one of those stupid fluffy dandelion flowers on a windy day.  Poof.  gone. 

I am finding myself more emotional lately, but also unbelievably numb.  My self-esteem is at an all-time low.  My sex drive is gone.  My need to be around anyone is almost non-existant.  I am running anyone who pays attention to me away.  I want to be left alone.  Maybe I am just fed up with everyone and everything. 

The holidays really depress me.  I hate them.  I have nothing to get all "in the spirit" about.  I have no "better/other half", and the rest of my life just sucks balls. 

Honestly, I kind of just want to die. 

I just don't want to hurt my kids.  I love them too much. And besides, who would actually take care of my boy? He can be a big responsibility, and I don't think anyone would willingly take that on.  Not even his father.  Hell, he can't even see his son on Christmas.  Its been almost 2 weeks since Christmas and he hasn't even taken the time to come by.  The really sad thing is that it bothers me more than the boy.  I need to let that go.  I really do.  Some things and some people will just never change.  It is beyond my control. 

But that is probably the one and only thing that keeps me breathing every day.  Knowing I may really be all my sweet boy has in this shithole of a world.  And I feel he deserves much more than just his crazy sad idiotic mother. 

I feel so hopeless. 

I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up. 

But, I will wake up.  I have no choice.  Its not my time to go.  Is it?