People are stupid, and I hate everyone.....

except my kids.  Everyone else can go suck a bag of dicks. 

Living at home has become the nightmare I remember.  I really hate it here.  I really hate it here alot.  This was the worst decision I have made in a long time.  THE WORST.  Falling for the boy's dad's bullcrap all over again is a REALLY CLOSE 2ND.   That is partly what landed me back in hell. 

I feel myself drowning.  I am literally drowning on the inside.  I have lost all interest in everything.  My job has become my ONLY refuge.  And I really don't even like my job.  But it is the only place I feel like I am actually alive.  When I am at this crazy house, I feel empty, dead.  I barely even move.  Its so bad, I will hold my pee until I just can't anymore, just so I don't have to move.  I just want to disappear. 

No one even notices.  No one even cares.  But, that isn't unusual.  That's been my life.  I am invisible.  I am the invisible woman.  People know I am here, but no one sees me.  And no one notices when I am vanishing.  I feel like everything I am, everything I want, everything I love is gone.  I have no way out.  I have no hope.  I have no money.  I have nothing. 

I keep trying to make plans to get out of this dungeon, but I cant get going. 

I keep trying to figure out how to feel better, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I just don't care. 

A part of me secretly wishes that lump I found would have been cancer and I could have been dead by now. 

But then I think about my poor boy, and the state he would be in if I died.  He'd be left with my sorry ass family, or his sorry ass father, or the sorry ass system. 

Its bad enough he is stuck with me, his sorry ass mother.  But to leave him alone???  that's the same as sending a lamb into a pack of hungry wolves.  I love him too much to do that. 

He really is the only thing keeping me alive.  Him and my daughter.  But, I have never been much of a mother to her, thanks to some stupid fucking people.  And that just makes me feel worse. 

I just hate everyone. Everyone except my kids.  Everyone else can go suck a bag of dicks.  period.