sometimes, I amaze myself with how stupid I have been my whole life.
I just finished reading some old posts on a board from a site I used to frequent. Once upon a time, I fooled myself into thinking I would marry my son's father. I allowed him to suck me in and I rode that train for a long, long time. I was so blind. Such a damn fool. What an eye-opening experience. Wow.
I had doubts all along, but, kept pushing them way way down, simply because I just didn't want to be alone anymore. And also because it was so hard seeing my boy so broken hearted and mad all the time, missing his dad. I felt like he was out of his life because of me. I just wanted to fix it.
Maybe it was also a little bit of not accepting rejection. He never really cared about or loved me. I was just the stupid girl who wouldn't go away. He liked to use me and abuse me and throw me away until the next time he needed a victim. And I was the easiest target. I might say no, but, in the end, he would get what he wanted. Even if that meant against my will.
I spent 12 years trying to convince him to be a father to his son who desperately needed him. He didn't care and it would seem, still doesn't. I have been such a fool. A stupid, stupid fool. I have lost so much over the years-cars, money, apartments, bank accounts, time, and most importantly my daughter.
I am only a stone's throw from 40 and I have nothing to show for it.
My son is 13 and still is without a father-technically. I am so broken hearted that he may never have a real father. I wasted so much time running after this jackass, that I may have condemned us both to this life-no husband/life partner, no father.
I spent so much time convincing myself that things were not what they really were. I feel like such a fool.
And over the last year, I fell back in that same hole. I keep trying to crawl out of that hole, and he keeps grabbing my ankle and pulling me back down. He triggers a very negative reaction in me, every single time. He harrasses me, i reject him. He rejects me, I chase him. over and over and over. I begged him to leave me alone when he came home to her and then subsequently married her. I begged him to go away. He just kept coming around. Kept trying to make me feel bad for changing my mind about us. tried to make me feel bad for worrying about how our relationship would affect my relationship with my daughter. he didn't care what the damage would be. He didn't care at all. He only cared about himself.
And in the end, I found out he lied the whole time anyway. What else is new?
What is more humiliating than realizing you have wasted half your life on a selfish loser sociopath that can't love anyone but themselves? Nothing. Not even showing up at work naked by accident.
Nothing.
I am such a fool. And a terrible mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment