I think most of the time I am parading around in an illusion of reality. Not real reality, but a shade of reality. My perception of things is just so distorted and fucked up. Seriously just fucked up. For a moment I thought I was having a maturity discovery, but then it occurred to me it was just my insecurity kicking my ass.
Brief back story behind this discovery..... several years ago I was friends with a co-worker. Good friends. She and her long-time boyfriend decided to get married. He was dying(they thought anyway) and they wanted to make it official before he croaked. Pension reasons because he's ex-military and he wanted to ensure her security. So anyway, they are getting married. At the wedding, I met his friend. OH MY GAWD. This guy was so gorgeous, my panties literally just melted. like this dude was and is seriously so freaking hot its ridiculous. In all my years, I have never met anyone as attractive as this guy. I have only seen this deliciousness on tv or in movies. He is so freaking wonderful. okay....moving on.
So anyway. The whole day I couldn't stop myself from looking(well eye molesting is probably more accurate)at this guy. at one point in the evening at their "reception", he was sitting directly across from me. my eyes fell on his lap. And what do my eyes discover.... his "member" is literally sitting on his lap. This thing is like halfway down his thigh. and looks like its as big as a damn toddler's arm. SERIOUSLY. I DO NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. I nearly choked on my beer.
And to make things even more crazy, at the end of the night, he invites me to his house. I don't go of course, because I wasnt the only one he invited. But, he did give me his number. Did I use it???? NO. I was a coward. But, for almost a year, I thought about this guy. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Then I end up moving in to my friend's empty downstairs apt. I start seeing this guy by my son's daycare. He worked by there. Then he came over to their house. Finally at one point we do end up hooking up. But he had a girlfriend. I know, I am a bitch. But that was pretty much it.
Then one day I saw him on facebook and sent him a request. He accepted it. That was about a year ago.
The other day, i sent him a message from my vagina...okay not really.... just saying that he was the sexiest man I have ever met and I just wanted to tell him. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. HE CALLED IT..... Then of course, the conversations veered toward hooking up. MY VAGINA SAYS HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!! And then the rest of me freaks out. I panic. I start thinking about how much I don't want just a sexual encounter. I want a man that wants a relationship, or at least some sort of a relationship. And then my insecurity actually kicked me in the face. OH MY GOD. I am fat and hideous. He probably wouldn't even want to have sex with me. This dude is so gorgeous, he would probably be nauseous seeing me anywhere near naked. I know I usually am when I see myself naked. I have gained weight in the last year and now feel gross and disgusting.
When I feel this way, I hermitize. I become very antisocial. I hate it. But I hate my fat disgusting body even more. I am so gross. just gross.
So, what do I do??? stop texting or calling-well, more like answering calls or texts. I am not the one to ever call or text first.
I feel like I owe him an explanation.... but how do you tell a guy who wants to hook up that you can't bring yourself to do it because you see a disgusting pig when you look at yourself and don't want to subject anyone else to the grossness???? He would definitely think I am insane and probably be like "thanks for saving me that drama...."
So, the lesson of the day is, I have not matured. I have just gotten fat again. and now I am so insecure I will probably never have sex again.
This makes me so sad. Should I call this guy????
I know nobody actually reads this crap, so I know there isn't anyone to answer me. But thanks anyway.....
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