17 years is a long time to love someone. 17 years is longer than most marriages. 17 years is a long time to love a person you never have been married to. 17 years is a lot of years to waste on one person. 17 years. 17 Valentine's Days. 17 birthdays. 17 Christmases. 17 years.
Tomorrow is Valentines day. wooopidydoo.
This is not my first Valentine's day I will be spending alone. It is the 17th. in. a. row.
2 years ago, I thought that one was gonna be the last one I would ever have to spend alone. That Christmas too. I was wrong. very very wrong.
Lately, I have been drowning in memories. Drowning in past conversations. Drowning in broken promises. Drowning. Just drowning.
I don't think I will ever spend Valentine's day with a sweetheart or lover or boyfriend or husband. Not one of my own. I am not destined to be anyone's sweetheart or lover or girlfriend or wife or #1 or only one. I will never have that luxury or that gift or that blessing or that joy.
I will only be somebody's option or back-up or plaything or #2.
My son's father is in the hospital. He calls me after being there a couple days. He lies at first about exactly where he is. He only calls to see if I care. After I get upset, he tells me where he really is. But he also makes it clear that me visiting is probably a bad idea. The whore/wife might see me or hear I went up there. There could be drama. It would put more stress on his already life threateningly high blood pressure. He doesn't need that.
I give him a thorough bitch out and refuse to speak to him the rest of the day. Fuck him and that whore.
The next day, after I have cried all the previous day and night, I take his call.
I am so broken by this man. I loved him so much. I thought we were getting married. I thought we were going to be a family this time. I was wrong. I was mistaken. I was a fool.
He talks about wanting to see me, and once his family comes and leaves, I can come up. He wants to see me so bad. He will call me when they leave.
He texts an hour before visiting hours are over. That is not enough time to get ready and get up there. As usual, I was a fool. I was mistaken. I am hurt. I lash out. I shut down.
Today, I tell myself, give up. Its over. Stop chasing a dream that is never gonna be real.
Tonite, I decide to just go up there to see him. I miss him. I am worried about him.
I get to the hospital. I am nervous. I am anxious. What if people are there? What if CuntBag is there? He will be so mad. Too bad. Fuck them all. If he reallly loves me, it won't matter.
I get to his floor. I slowly get off the elevator. I look for his room. I stop at the nurses station. No one sees or talks to me. I head to his room. I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I peek in. I am making sure no one else is there. The coast is clear. He sees me. He doesn't smile. He isn't happy to see me.
He says only this to me....."So you decide to just show up. You don't call first?"
I kind of laugh my nervous laugh, thinking he is just kidding...."Nope." I said.
"You can't do that. I told you that." knife. in. the. heart.
"okay" I whispered. I got up and left. and cried all the way down to the first floor.
This man will never really ever know how much he crushes my heart. He will never know the depths of my love. He will never love me back. never.
Just when I thought we were going to start a life, he started a different one with the one woman that will ruin him. She is killing him. and he is killing me. I am dead inside. September 2010 was the month I died. emotionally. I. am. dead. inside.
He will never love me, but he won't leave me alone.
He won't go away.
He is like my own personal demon that keeps possessing my soul.
He is the ghost haunting my dreams.
He is the other half of my being. And he will never love me. He never did.
I was just a stupid fool. I still am.
I still am.........
