If I were a ship, I'd be a sunken ship.....

I am in a downward spiral right now.  I feel it.  My manic, impulsive nutso phase is over for the moment.  I have been so emotional lately.  I want to be alone.  I am isolating myself again.  I don't want to be touched or acknowledged.  I want to be invisible.  I want to disappear.  Honestly, I want to be dead.  But, if I died, who would take care of my boy?  He really would be left to fend for himself.  In all seriousness, he is the only reason I am still breathing.  At the moment, I feel so empty and alone.  Even though I am constantly surrounded by people, I am utterly alone.  The funny thing is, one part of me is screaming that I want EVERYONE to leave me alone.  The other part of me is crying to be loved and wanted. 

Yesterday sucked so bad.  I got my explanation.  I was given the reason for the last month.  It hurt so bad. 

I am not enough.  I never have been.  I never will be.  No one will ever want me for ME.  I have nothing to offer a man, but a physical relationship.  I have no accomplishments that make me appealing.  I have no place of my own.  I live with my parents.  I sleep on the couch.  I am in so much debt.  I have so much baggage.  I have no clue how to be in a relationship.  And who wants that?  I wouldn't. 

Every man I have ever cared for, chooses someone else.  Every time.  Every single time.

Most of it is my own fault.  A few of those men, were unavailable.  I ventured down the forbidden road and screwed myself.  But, a few were not unavailable in the relationship sense.  They turned out to be unavailable in the emotional sense. 

This seems to be my future.  I will be alone for probably the rest of my life. 

I hate my life. 

Damn you hormones.....

Lately, I hate music.  I hate the radio.  I hate the cds I have.  This is one week, I almost wish i was deaf.  My emotions are getting the better of me, and its very irritating.  I am one of those people that associates moments in my life with songs.  I hate that.  At the moment, most songs I hear are reminding me of the last few months of my life.  How did I end up this emotionally twisted over someone I never meant to feel anything for???  I didn't mean to fall for him.  I tried really hard not to.  I just wanted a distraction from the suffocating, soul crushing heartbreak I went thru just a few months earlier.  And he claimed to just want to be a distraction of sorts.  Then he started talking of feelings, and love, and the future.  And the sex was freaking incredible.  I took the bait.  He was so sweet and funny.  He was adorable.  He sang to me and made me listen to country music(gag).  He told me I was beautiful and to not be so self-conscious of my body.  He made me feel I WAS beautiful and desirable, and wanted and appreciated. 

And now he's disappeared.  Well, not really disappeared.  He's been on facebook.  But he's back with her I guess.  He dropped me off the 25th after we spent the whole day together and had a really good time.  At least I thought so.  That was the last time I heard from him or saw his face.  He must be done with me.  He's never disappeared this long before.  A few days, a week, maybe 2, but not this long.  And not ignoring every thing I try to reach out to him.  I suppose he realised I am too much for him.  Emotionally.  I suppose maybe, he just got bored.  I am just tired of supposing, and guessing, and wondering.  I quit.  I deleted him from facebook.  It was just too difficult to keep from stalking his page.  I don't like feeling like a stalker.  I'm too old for that shit. 

I need a distraction.  I need to close that chapter in my horrid book of love. 

I hate love. 

anxiety in overdrive

I feel like I am about to explode right now.  I am choking back the urge to scream as I type this.  It came over me all of a sudden the moment I pulled in the driveway.  Then as I walked in the house and was harrassed by my son about the store, well, it went into overdrive.  I am seriously about ready to punch walls and faces.  Its not really for any particular reason.  Well, maybe my surprise that I WILL NOT be child free for the next week.  Maybe that is a contributing factor of my anxiety and rage.  I would give anything for a few hours alone.  All to myself.  I haven't had any time to myself all alone since we moved back into this place.  I am surrounded by screaming kids, and people, all the time.  I need a vacation. 

I also havent had sex in a couple weeks.  That is a problem.  At least for me it is. 

I feel like there is a raging monster inside me, clawing at my insides trying to get out and destroy everything in its path.  I do not like when I feel like this.  I really don't.  I haven't felt like this in a while.  I want to start calling ex-boyfriends and argue with them.  I really want to call my son's father and spit and cuss at him.  I want to drive by the last one's house and demand an explanation as to why he stopped taking my calls, stopped calling, and basically put me on ignore.  Thank God, he is at work.  Whew! Crisis averted.  I want to call somebody and make arrangements to hook up and screw.  I need to do something.  I am freaking out.  I am going to burst.  seriously. 

And who are you, again??

That is a very good question.  My therapist asked me all the time who I was besides a mom.  I had no idea.  I still don't.  Oh.  Wait.  I am a whore.  And a crazy person.  And an idiot.  And alone. 

I finally put my finger on why I am always SO DAMN EXHAUSTED at night.  Because I spend all day pretending.  Pretending to be happy.  Pretending to be funny.  Pretending to be smart.  Pretending to be interesting.  Pretending to know what I am doing.  Pretending to be responsible.  Pretending to not hate people.  Pretending to not be scared to death of looking stupid in front of others.  So, when I get home and no longer have to pretend, well, dammit, I am spent.  And then I just crash.  Like a plane with only one wing.  I plummet straight to the ground.  And the weekends??? Well, if I don't make it out of the house by noon, I am not leaving at all.  Hell, I might not even change out of my pjs.  Too hard.  Its just too damn hard.  seriously.  Sometimes, I barely move at all from Friday night to Sunday night.  Its scary and sad. 

Please don't feed the animals. They bite.

Lately, I have been on a very intense series of mood swings.  Some days, I feel good.  Other days, I feel really wound up and anxious.  Some days, I feel drained and empty.  Some days, I want people to notice me and some days I want to be invisible.  Tonight, I feel empty, and anxious, and sad, and obsessive.  Like a caged lion, pacing, pacing, pacing, pacing.  Let me outta here, would ya????? 

Its been 17 days since the last time I heard from my friend.  17 whole days.  Its all I can fucking think about.  I am obsessing about it and its making me anxious and sad.  I keep wondering what ridiculous thing I did to make this happen.  I am sure I did something.  But, in reality, I don't think I did.  I think its just the way it is. 

I hate rejection.  Of any kind.  I may not want something, but if that something decides it no longer wants me or needs me, then, well that just won't do. 

But that was not the case.  I wanted this.  Maybe that is the issue.  I wanted it. 

This is why I don't invest my feelings in other people.  With the exception of that one particular jackass.  But, that is another post for another day.  Sort of.  He is the reason I don't invest anything real of myself.  But again.  Another post for another day. 

Tonight is about my here and now.  My current dilemma. 

I hate when people beg you to want them.  Go out of their way to prove themselves, so you will want them.  Try to let you see something special in them.  Then the minute you cave and open that door, lower your guard, take down your emotional barricade, they vanish.  Or hurt you.  Or turn into something else. 

Famous last words...."I'm not like everybody else.  You will see."  Wrong.  You are just like everyone else. 

And I am the dumb jackass for not recognizing it sooner.  Go Team Go. 

This is why I never believe anyone that tells me they love me.  Its usually not true.  And when it is, well, that's just tough. 

I am stuck on this.  I am stuck in the unknown.  I am stuck on the why. 

It kind of feels like I am suffocating.  Like I cant get air.  Kind of like that feeling when you are in a pitch black room and you can't feel anything around you.  The dark is almost suffocating you.  That is how I feel. 

I am no good at love, and no good at alone.  But I am really good at messing up my life. 

Those that mind don't matter.....

I started writing this blog, not really for public viewing.  I mean, what if someone I know reads it and figures out its me???  But, why should I care?  Most people who know me, already know me.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Well, sort of.  There are some things that even my closest family don't really know.  I think.  Some of the things in here, I am horrified to say out loud. And here, I don't actually have to "verbalize" them.  Typing and verbalizing are not the same things.  Honestly, I probably started it in the wrong place.  And maybe what I've put in here, should have stayed in my hall of skeletons.

Now that there are people actually reading this- Hi!!  Welcome to my insanity!- I wonder if I should censor this stuff.  At least a little.  I mean, who really wants to know the full level of my wretchedness???