Maybe I'm Craaaaazaaaaayyyy

I have that stupid Gnarles Barkley song in my head.  Maybe I am crazy.  Just maybe. 

I am at a loss at the moment.  Things are unraveling quickly. 

I am too impulsive.  I am sure he is pissed at me now.  But, dammit, I dont give a rats ass.  He is supposed to give me a heads up.  He is not supposed to just stop calling or texting.  Either, he's pissed off or he's with her again.  Whatever the case may be, I am pissed off.  I have not heard from him since Saturday night.  WTF Will.  WTF. 

And then, last night, well, I just don't have any words for it.  But, I think that may have been the last time.  And I hope it is.  Sort of.  I will never get what I want from that situation, just like I never will with the above mentioned crap. 

so lets just keep it moving, shall we?

What the hell???

Why is it we have a good time, I think, and then he doesn't call?  I know I need to not let this bother me, but it does.  This is usually accompanied by him spending the next week or two with that other twat.  And in a week, he starts this new job and we will no longer have any time to spend together.  He will be working nights.  6pm to 6am.  Thursday thru Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday will be his only nights free.  I have a feeling this will take a very negative toll on our relationship.  I don't like it.  I want to be selfish and stomp my feet.  But, I can't.  That wouldn't be fair.  This person I am feeling like today is not the person I like.  She is insecure, obsessive, and just a real nutjob.  I don't like her. 

I have called him a few times today and he has not answered or called back.  He hasn't returned my text messages either.  What am I to think.  Lately, I talk to him every day.  I suppose this is the end of this cycle and her cycle is about to start.  Yay. 

How lucky am I?  If this lasts longer than today, I am gonna be really unhappy.  And bitchy.  And nobody likes that girl. 

Oh what a tangled web we weave....

My conscience is weighing so heavy on me right now.  I have been spending so much time lately with my honey.  It has been amazing.  Well, except for the day I went loo-loo.  I am missing him so much at the moment.  I want to snuggle up to him and fall asleep right now. I almost want to cry, I want it so much. 

But, my previous stupid act of craziness, is haunting me.  The fuckface is back to bothering me.  Taunting me.  Using his powers of mind control to make me do things I don't want to and know I shouldn't.  It is making me want to confess my dark, dirty sins and come clean to my honey.  I'm just scared to death of what will happen.  He was already pretty pissed about the fact that something happened with "someone".  But, for me to come back and tell him I lied about who??? Well, that might just fuck up everything. 

I don't want that to happen.  I don't want to run him away.  damn damn damn damn damn damn

Its no wonder I am still single

at the moment, I have this amazing guy in my life.  I keep doing dumb shit unintentionally and messing things up.  I also realize that I am in love with him.  And that is freaking me out.  The last person I loved, fucked me over so royally, I almost didn't recover.  I am still recovering I think.  But, this guy, is just, well, amazing.  He drives me crazy, but in a good way.  He makes me feel good about me.  He appreciates me.  He doesnt use me for money.  He is sweet, and funny, and he sings to me- weird, but so freaking adorable. 

Lately, we have been spending so much time together.  And I love it.  And then I freak.  He tells me he loves me, in the sweetest ways.  And the other night, I told him I loved him too.  Because I do.  I didn't mean to tell him yet.  I was afraid to say it out loud.  Shit always goes wrong when I say that word out loud.  People get hurt.  Usually me.  He thought it only came out because we were having sex.  But, that isn't why.  I almost said it earlier.  But, I stopped.  And then later, it came out.  I knew it was coming, I just chose not to stop it.  I wanted to scream it, of course.  I want to post it all over my damn facebook.  I want to tattoo his freaking name on my ass.  He doesn't really believe me when I tell him that he is THE MOST AMAZING lover I have ever had.  I mean  AMAZING.  I want to let him do things to me, that I have always hesitated or never allowed with anyone else.  But, he honestly is the very best.  I wish he really believed me. 

Then yesterday, I had one of my spazzmatron moments.  I don't know where it came from.  It just showed up.  One minute, we are enjoying each other.  The next, I am like a mute moron.  He wanted to have sex, and I just stood there.  Like a damn idiot.  How's that for awesome?  I bruised his ego.  And he was mad.  I don't blame him.  It came like a freight train barreling thru the room.  I think it was just the culmination of very little sleep, a comment he made earlier in the evening, the boy calling shortly before, and just me being me.  And I just stood there.  Frozen.  I wanted him so bad.  But, I couldn't move.  I just stood there.  He kept asking me what was wrong.  I kept saying nothing.  But I JUST STOOD THERE.  I just f-ing stood there.  I J U S T   S T O O D  T H E R E......  And the next thing I know, he's pissed and taking me home.  Rightfully so.  It was so ridiculous.  And I had NO real explanation.  I couldn't determine if it was my mom guilt from the boy calling, my insecurity at the comment made earlier, or my anxiety and fear about my feelings for him. 

I am no good at this relationship, dating thing.  I haven't been in a "relationship" since.... since.... well, since..... I guess since the fuckface and I were together when the boy was still in the oven.  Yes, there have been other men since then, and yes, some were regulars, and some were the only regular at times.  But, for one reason or another I didn't ever open my heart to any of them.  I came close once or twice.  But, nothing that felt the way this makes me feel.  Not that I remember anyway.  So, this love thing, is well, suffocating.  But, not in the way that it sounds.  okay, maybe a little.  Its more an anxious, "please don't fuck this up" suffocating kind of way.  And instead that exact thing keeps happening. 

I just cant get over the fact that something in me kept me from having the best sex a girl could possibly want.  And neither can he.  I want to fix this.  I want to make this up to him somehow.  I want him to know that my insanity isn't always an issue.  Sometimes, I just need a minute. 

I think I better find a psychiatrist.  Quick.  I need to get this under control.  Or I will be in serious trouble. 

when will you ever learn

I did something very stupid last night.  I am sure at some point in the future it will come back to haunt me.  My adventures in stupidity always do.  But I woke up this morning and felt free.  I felt amazing.  Perhaps it is just the euphoria of the sex that is wearing off, but, I doubt that.  That had worn off by the ride home.  On the ride home, I was on the verge of a panic attack.  I made a very big mistake, and I hope I never make it again.  I am just afraid I will.  I always do.  I wish I didn't. 

I am beginning to realize, no one has any idea who I really am.  Even I am not sure.  I am also a liar.  I cover up the truth, because it is so ugly.  Who would love me if they knew?  But, then again, who loves me now? 

All I was hoping for last night was clarity.  I wanted him to see where I was coming from, and I wanted him to show me the truth.  We ended up in some crappy, spider trap motel on the east side.  We also had THE BEST sex I can remember ever having with him.  Then it was over, and soon we were leaving.  And then the regret kicked in.  And then the panic started.  He was pressuring me to decide our future.  And asking me if I thought there was a chance for a future with "my lil boyfriend".  I couldn't answer him.  And I just kept panicking.  And trying to breathe.  And trying not to vomit. 

Then I asked him to take me by his house.  The house he keeps asking me to move into.  He wouldn't.  Said it was too late. There's no furniture.  He's not going to just to prove anything.  I should have asked when we left the motel.  and a million other excuses. 

I snapped.  That's it.  What is the big deal?  Just take me by there.  Its supposed to be by his moms.  We werent that far.  Just fucking take me by there.  Prove that you are telling the truth.  Prove it.  PROVE IT DAMMIT.  And he failed.  Like usual.  He is a liar.  A dirty, scheming liar.  And I hate him.  And I hate myself. 

I hope I never make this mistake again. 

my issues are limitless

I need to have my head examined.  I am such a retard.  what is my problem?  Do I enjoy this?  I must.  I keep doing it.  Keep getting wrapped up in it.  Why?  What am I getting out of it?  What is the benefit? 

I think I have borderline personality. 

I am reading up on it. 

I need a good psychiatrist. 

Or something. 

What in the world is wrong with people?

the strangest thing...

I miss him so much.  I miss his voice.  I miss his kiss.  I miss his touch.  I miss his face.  I miss his lips.  I miss his hands as they touch me.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss me when I am with him.  I miss the me that I am when he is near me.  I miss the me I am when we kiss.  I miss how he makes me feel.  I miss being wanted.  I miss being sung to.  I miss laughing.  I miss his silliness.  I miss feeling him.  I miss it all.

I wish I could take back what happened.  I wish things hadn't gotten so crazy.  I wish I wasn't so crazy.  I wish I wasn't so unbalanced.  I wish I wasn't so selfish.  I wish I wasn't so whorish.   I wish I didn't crave attention the way I do.  I wish I could fix this. 

I just don't think I can. 

watch out, I'm about to lose it!!

I am feeling so overwhelmed.  I feel like I am gonna snap any minute.  I don't know if its the living arrangements I am now confined to, or this emotional roller coaster I have been riding lately.  I think I am hitting my low.  I have been riding this crazy high lately, and now, I think I have finally reached the point where the car has to plummet.  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am so devastated with my actions lately.  I have been so taken over by my hormones that I allowed myself to do something so incredibly stupid, and unfixable.

I lied to someone very important to me.  I was feeling shitty about our arrangement, and felt neglected.  I allowed myself to be used by the worst possible person in the world.  Then I freaked and didn't know how to act.  I forgot to erase my text messages and he saw them.  And now, not only am I a liar, but I am also a whore. 

I wish I wasn't so flawed and damaged.  I wish I knew how to love and be loved.  But, I don't. 

I wish I could fix this.  I wish I could fix me.  I wish I could rewind time. 

But I can't. 

I wish I could tell him how sorry I am.  But I can't. 

He's gone.