mirror mirror on the wall...

I hate looking in the mirror.  Most times I avoid all eye contact with the mirror.  In fact, all reflective surfaces make me that way.  Then there are times I force myself to actually look at my reflection.  Usually the only time I make any real effort to look in the mirror is in the morning, getting ready for work.  About once a day, I look at my reflection and say "eh, its not so bad".  But then at times when I catch a glimpse of myself, I say "uggggghhhhh..... what a trainwreck...."  I am in a bit of denial that I have gained weight some days.  But, when I can't button my pants very easily, it is not so easy to ignore.  I keep looking for motivation to actually exercise, but I just can't locate it.  It is a fleeting search.  And I just don't really have the motivation to find my motivation.   But, I desperately need to find it.  I want to feel better about myself.  desperately.  Okay, maybe not DESPERATELY but I do need to find it.  and I do want to feel better about myself and the way I look.  I want to feel sexy and attractive.  Right now I feel the total opposite.  blechhhhy.  

I hate myself for being weak

I really do.  I hate myself when I am weak.  I am generally a neurotic, paranoid, self conscious, scaredy cat.  But, it becomes magnified in times of conflict, stress or relationships.

My son's father makes me very weak and very much a victim.  Well, okay, maybe I make myself the victim. But, for some reason, he has the ability to mindfuck me at a moment's notice.  Deep down, I am obnoxiously conflicted about him.  On the one hand, I hate him with every fiber of my being.  I really do.  He has hurt and abused me in too many ways.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, financially..... you name it, he has probably done it.  But the truly sad and scary part, is that I have basically let him.  I become a scared little girl, afraid to refuse.  I turn into a psychotic mess.  I can't bear the thought of having him anywhere near me, but at the same time, I freak sometimes at the thought of him truly being gone from my life.

We will always have some sort of connection, I suppose.  We have a son together.  I wish I could say I would be thrilled if he just seriously disappeared from our lives all together.  but, then that stupid part of me pops up and takes over.  That panicked little girl who feels abandoned.  Where is he? Why did he leave? What did I do wrong?  What can I do to fix it?  Why am I not good enough?  Why didn't he love me?

I have been thru hell with this man.  I mean, serious hell.  He makes me leave all logic and reason behind.  I forget what makes sense.  I forget how to think for myself.

I have not spoken to him in a couple weeks.  I am trying to avoid him.  He has called, but I didn't answer.  But, in the quiet hours, I obsess about him.  Its sickening.  I obsess about where he is.  I think about why he didn't choose me.  I obsess about wanting to ruin his marriage, since he refuses to leave me alone.  I just obsess about it.  But, at the same time, I am praying he really will just leave me alone.  Even if that means he really never will be the father Justin needs.

I have been trying to cleanse myself of him.  But, then I see him or talk to him and i lose myself.  Its almost like being in a trance around him.  The few times that I can refrain from falling under his "spell", its only because I am seething with anger.  When I get really into my seething obsessive anger at how deeply he hurt me this last time, it is the only thing that keeps me from getting sucked in.  And then he tells me I am crazy and gets mad or pouty and leaves or hangs up. And later, guilt kicks me in the face.

It is a vicious cycle that is swallowing me whole and taking my life.  I wish I could get amnesia and forget all about him.  But he would just show up and fuck me up all over again.

He's like a cancer.  The terminal kind.  The kind that is slow and tortures you completely until you are just dead.

One of these days, I will bring myself to start blogging about our history.  Maybe it could be like a cleansing of my soul.  Right now, I feel trapped.  like I am being swallowed by a monster.  I can't sort it all out, and maybe I am a little afraid to.  I get nauseous just thinking about trudging through our past.  It is so ugly and so scary and so painful, it makes me anxious.

seeing an illusion of reality

I think most of the time I am parading around in an illusion of reality.  Not real reality, but a shade of reality.  My perception of things is just so distorted and fucked up.  Seriously just fucked up.  For a moment I thought I was having a maturity discovery, but then it occurred to me it was just my insecurity kicking my ass.

Brief back story behind this discovery..... several years ago I was friends with a co-worker.  Good friends.  She and her long-time boyfriend decided to get married.  He was dying(they thought anyway) and they wanted to make it official before he croaked.  Pension reasons because he's ex-military and he wanted to ensure her security.  So anyway, they are getting married.  At the wedding, I met his friend.  OH MY GAWD. This guy was so gorgeous, my panties literally just melted.  like this dude was and is seriously so freaking hot its ridiculous.  In all my years, I have never met anyone as attractive as this guy.  I have only seen this deliciousness on tv or in movies.  He is so freaking wonderful.  okay....moving on.

So anyway.  The whole day I couldn't stop myself from looking(well eye molesting is probably more accurate)at this guy.  at one point in the evening at their "reception", he was sitting directly across from me.  my eyes fell on his lap.  And what do my eyes discover.... his "member" is literally sitting on his lap.  This thing is like halfway down his thigh.  and looks like its as big as a damn toddler's arm.  SERIOUSLY. I DO NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.  I nearly choked on my beer.

And to make things even more crazy, at the end of the night, he invites me to his house.  I don't go of course, because I wasnt the only one he invited.  But, he did give me his number.  Did I use it???? NO.  I was a coward.  But, for almost a year, I thought about this guy.  I couldn't get him out of my mind.  Then I end up moving in to my friend's empty downstairs apt.  I start seeing this guy by my son's daycare.  He worked by there.  Then he came over to their house.  Finally at one point we do end up hooking up.  But he had a girlfriend. I know, I am a bitch.  But that was pretty much it.

Then one day I saw him on facebook and sent him a request.  He accepted it.  That was about a year ago.

The other day, i sent him a message from my vagina...okay not really.... just saying that he was the sexiest man I have ever met and I just wanted to tell him. He asked for my number.  I gave it to him.  HE CALLED IT..... Then of course, the conversations veered toward hooking up.  MY VAGINA SAYS HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!  And then the rest of me freaks out.  I panic.  I start thinking about how much I don't want just a sexual encounter.  I want a man that wants a relationship, or at least some sort of a relationship.  And then my insecurity actually kicked me in the face.  OH MY GOD.  I am fat and hideous.  He probably wouldn't even want to have sex with me.  This dude is so gorgeous, he would probably be nauseous seeing me anywhere near naked.  I know I usually am when I see myself naked. I have gained weight in the last year and now feel gross and disgusting.

When I feel this way, I hermitize.  I become very antisocial.  I hate it.  But I hate my fat disgusting body even more.  I am so gross.  just gross.

So, what do I do??? stop texting or calling-well, more like answering calls or texts.  I am not the one to ever call or text first.

I feel like I owe him an explanation.... but how do you tell a guy who wants to hook up that you can't bring yourself to do it because you see a disgusting pig when you look at yourself and don't want to subject anyone else to the grossness????  He would definitely think I am insane and probably be like "thanks for saving me that drama...."

So, the lesson of the day is, I have not matured.  I have just gotten fat again.  and now I am so insecure I will probably never have sex again.

This makes me so sad.  Should I call this guy????

I know nobody actually reads this crap, so I know there isn't anyone to answer me.  But thanks anyway.....

blindness...in the heart... not the eyes

sometimes, I amaze myself with how stupid I have been my whole life.

I just finished reading some old posts on a board from a site I used to frequent.  Once upon a time, I fooled myself into thinking I would marry my son's father.  I allowed him to suck me in and I rode that train for a long, long time.  I was so blind.  Such a damn fool.  What an eye-opening experience.  Wow.

I had doubts all along, but, kept pushing them way way down, simply because I just didn't want to be alone anymore.  And also because it was so hard seeing my boy so broken hearted and mad all the time, missing his dad.  I felt like he was out of his life because of me.  I just wanted to fix it.

Maybe it was also a little bit of not accepting rejection.  He never really cared about or loved me.  I was just the stupid girl who wouldn't go away.  He liked to use me and abuse me and throw me away until the next time he needed a victim.  And I was the easiest target.  I might say no, but, in the end, he would get what he wanted.  Even if that meant against my will.

I spent 12 years trying to convince him to be a father to his son who desperately needed him.  He didn't care and it would seem, still doesn't.  I have been such a fool.  A stupid, stupid fool.  I have lost so much over the years-cars, money, apartments, bank accounts, time, and most importantly my daughter.

I am only a stone's throw from 40 and I have nothing to show for it.

My son is 13 and still is without a father-technically.  I am so broken hearted that he may never have a real father.  I wasted so much time running after this jackass, that I may have condemned us both to this life-no husband/life partner, no father.

I spent so much time convincing myself that things were not what they really were.  I feel like such a fool.

And over the last year, I fell back in that same hole.  I keep trying to crawl out of that hole, and he keeps grabbing my ankle and pulling me back down.  He triggers a very negative reaction in me, every single time.  He harrasses me, i reject him.  He rejects me, I chase him.  over and over and over.  I begged him to leave me alone when he came home to her and then subsequently married her.  I begged him to go away.  He just kept coming around.  Kept trying to make me feel bad for changing my mind about us.  tried to make me feel bad for worrying about how our relationship would affect my relationship with my daughter.  he didn't care what the damage would be.  He didn't care at all.  He only cared about himself.

And in the end, I found out he lied the whole time anyway.  What else is new?

What is more humiliating than realizing you have wasted half your life on a selfish loser sociopath that can't love anyone but themselves?  Nothing.  Not even showing up at work naked by accident.

Nothing.

I am such a fool.  And a terrible mother.

I can feel it coming in the air....

As usual, my insanity is kicking in. Yay for cycling- and I in no way mean on a bike.
My irrational mind is invading my space again. I realized it last night. I caught myself fantasizing about my boss. Just for a second. But it was long enough to spook me.
My libido is kicking in again and that is not a good thing. My hoo-haa has a mind of her own and gets me into very bad things. She makes me do things I will regret later. Or should I say people...
I started thinking about the babydaddy, and that's very bad. Very very bad. Then I seriously went down my list of possibles. None are good.
Maybe I need to have my vagina removed...... she's bad.

I hate everyone

There.  I said it.  I hate everyone.

Okay.  Maybe not EVERYONE. But almost everyone. Those I don't hate??? My son, my daughter, my maternal grandma, my younger paternal female cousin and her daughter, my paternal aunts, my maternal aunt and her kids, one of my paternal 3rd female cousins, my boss, my dad(but sometimes i do hate him too), a couple of the sales guys at work....everyone else is fair game for the hate train.

I pulled into the driveway and just started crying.  The actual act of pulling into the driveway and looking at the house caused me to cry.  That and the realization that I may never make it out of here alive.  literally and figuratively.

I'm so sick of being here, but even more sick of complaining about it.  So, I just try not to think about it.  Then someone will ask me what kind of plan I have to get out of here.  And I have no answer.  There is no plan.  There is no money.  There is no hope.  There is no plan.  Its pathetic.

I feel like such a loser.

Weird if you ask me....

Why is it that the only place I can sort of feel-or maybe its just pretending to feel-ok is at the job I hate. Right now its all that keeps me sane. Its the only place I can sort of breathe.

The minute I pull into the driveway at home I am drowning. Its like a black cloud descends over me, crushing what little peace or fleeting happiness I had. When I drive home,the closer I get, the more empty or stressed I start to feel.

Its a horrible feeling. And I have it every day.

And I have no escape.

I'm doomed.