except my kids. Everyone else can go suck a bag of dicks.
Living at home has become the nightmare I remember. I really hate it here. I really hate it here alot. This was the worst decision I have made in a long time. THE WORST. Falling for the boy's dad's bullcrap all over again is a REALLY CLOSE 2ND. That is partly what landed me back in hell.
I feel myself drowning. I am literally drowning on the inside. I have lost all interest in everything. My job has become my ONLY refuge. And I really don't even like my job. But it is the only place I feel like I am actually alive. When I am at this crazy house, I feel empty, dead. I barely even move. Its so bad, I will hold my pee until I just can't anymore, just so I don't have to move. I just want to disappear.
No one even notices. No one even cares. But, that isn't unusual. That's been my life. I am invisible. I am the invisible woman. People know I am here, but no one sees me. And no one notices when I am vanishing. I feel like everything I am, everything I want, everything I love is gone. I have no way out. I have no hope. I have no money. I have nothing.
I keep trying to make plans to get out of this dungeon, but I cant get going.
I keep trying to figure out how to feel better, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I just don't care.
A part of me secretly wishes that lump I found would have been cancer and I could have been dead by now.
But then I think about my poor boy, and the state he would be in if I died. He'd be left with my sorry ass family, or his sorry ass father, or the sorry ass system.
Its bad enough he is stuck with me, his sorry ass mother. But to leave him alone??? that's the same as sending a lamb into a pack of hungry wolves. I love him too much to do that.
He really is the only thing keeping me alive. Him and my daughter. But, I have never been much of a mother to her, thanks to some stupid fucking people. And that just makes me feel worse.
I just hate everyone. Everyone except my kids. Everyone else can go suck a bag of dicks. period.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
disappearing act
Oh, if only I really were invisible. It would be great. Or would it?? I have been away from my blog for a few months, not that I blogged really regular anyway, and besides, no one reads this crap anyway. I guess its more for me, so does it matter if I never come back? Will anyone care if I don't blog once a week or month or whatever? Probably not.
I find myself wanting to disappear alot lately. Literally and figuratively. Nothing seems that important anymore. I could care less about my job. I hate it actually. I could care less about my family, except my kids. I could care less about my relationships. There are none. Really, I just want to disappear. I mean, like disintegrate like a pile of ash in the wind, or one of those stupid fluffy dandelion flowers on a windy day. Poof. gone.
I am finding myself more emotional lately, but also unbelievably numb. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. My sex drive is gone. My need to be around anyone is almost non-existant. I am running anyone who pays attention to me away. I want to be left alone. Maybe I am just fed up with everyone and everything.
The holidays really depress me. I hate them. I have nothing to get all "in the spirit" about. I have no "better/other half", and the rest of my life just sucks balls.
Honestly, I kind of just want to die.
I just don't want to hurt my kids. I love them too much. And besides, who would actually take care of my boy? He can be a big responsibility, and I don't think anyone would willingly take that on. Not even his father. Hell, he can't even see his son on Christmas. Its been almost 2 weeks since Christmas and he hasn't even taken the time to come by. The really sad thing is that it bothers me more than the boy. I need to let that go. I really do. Some things and some people will just never change. It is beyond my control.
But that is probably the one and only thing that keeps me breathing every day. Knowing I may really be all my sweet boy has in this shithole of a world. And I feel he deserves much more than just his crazy sad idiotic mother.
I feel so hopeless.
I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
But, I will wake up. I have no choice. Its not my time to go. Is it?
I find myself wanting to disappear alot lately. Literally and figuratively. Nothing seems that important anymore. I could care less about my job. I hate it actually. I could care less about my family, except my kids. I could care less about my relationships. There are none. Really, I just want to disappear. I mean, like disintegrate like a pile of ash in the wind, or one of those stupid fluffy dandelion flowers on a windy day. Poof. gone.
I am finding myself more emotional lately, but also unbelievably numb. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. My sex drive is gone. My need to be around anyone is almost non-existant. I am running anyone who pays attention to me away. I want to be left alone. Maybe I am just fed up with everyone and everything.
The holidays really depress me. I hate them. I have nothing to get all "in the spirit" about. I have no "better/other half", and the rest of my life just sucks balls.
Honestly, I kind of just want to die.
I just don't want to hurt my kids. I love them too much. And besides, who would actually take care of my boy? He can be a big responsibility, and I don't think anyone would willingly take that on. Not even his father. Hell, he can't even see his son on Christmas. Its been almost 2 weeks since Christmas and he hasn't even taken the time to come by. The really sad thing is that it bothers me more than the boy. I need to let that go. I really do. Some things and some people will just never change. It is beyond my control.
But that is probably the one and only thing that keeps me breathing every day. Knowing I may really be all my sweet boy has in this shithole of a world. And I feel he deserves much more than just his crazy sad idiotic mother.
I feel so hopeless.
I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
But, I will wake up. I have no choice. Its not my time to go. Is it?
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