Someone help me..... please.....

Okay, I spend alot of time talking about my sex life and sexuality.  This post is not about that. 

Its about my son.  My sweet, sensitive, amazingly intelligent, horrifically troubled, insecure son.  He is the light of my life, and the reason I am still alive.  I can not imagine my life without that child.  He means more to me than anything.  I havent really ever talked about him, because I am trying to sift thru other things in my life.  But, I am in quite a dilemma in regard to him.  Usually my dilemmas with him are about school, or his inability to control his anger, and things like that. 

This is not that kind of dilemma.  I can handle those, for the most part.  This I just don't know how to handle. 

Out of the blue the other night, he asked me in his calm, but quiet, non chalant way "Mom, was I raped by "J###y" when Aunt K was watching me when I was little?"  I almost had a panic attack.  I honestly was so stunned I had no response besides, "why?"  He then tells me "I don't know.  I was just wondering.  Sometimes I think I was.  I cant really remember though.  I do remember him always trying to make me take naps with him.  And he would get really mad when I didn't or didn't want to."  Again, I didn't know what to say. 

My son is 12.  He was babysat by my Aunt off and on from the time he was a baby.  But mostly from like 3 years old until the year he started kindegarten.  At one point during that time, she had this boyfriend that was kind of a jerk.  But, he was relatively nice to the kids in the family.  But, the longer he was being babysat, his behavior became unmanageable.  He would explode and have these horrid temper tantrums.  It was believed it was just a discipline issue.  They never got better.  They got so bad, she would no longer keep him.  They have never really went away.  He is and always has been so attached to me.  He has even to this day, really bad separation anxiety.  It was decided he had ADHD, anxiety, depression and at one point, believed to be bi-polar.  He struggles with people in position of authority. 

A year or two after he no longer was being watched by my aunt, he finally told me that the boyfriend had punched him in the stomach once when he would not take a nap like he was told.  She had left my baby with him while she went to run errands.  That is when this incident took place.  My baby never mentioned this.  Until much later.  Not once.  He never even mentioned he didn't like this guy. 

I am trying not to freak out and jump to outlandish conclusions, but I also don't want to disregard it if this ass actually did mess with my baby. 

I was molested by my father's younger brother when I was like 6 or 7 years old.  No one believed me and no one wanted to talk about it.  They still don't.  He was never punished for it.  I still want to kill him. 

I am so afraid of how to handle this.  I am very afraid. 

If it was you, what would you do??????

Randomness abounds

I hate my job.  I like some of the people I work with.  But, I hate what I am doing.  Billing.  I hate it.  I don't know why I took this job.  For the check I guess.  That is what happens when you lose your long time job and you have a kid to support.  You take the first piece of crap job that comes along.  Or maybe I took it to stay busy.  I hate sitting at home.  It depresses me.  Weekends are depressing for me.  I have nothing to do most of the time.  Especially since I am not seeing anyone.  I hate my job.  I feel like I will never get a full grasp on it.  I hate this douchebag I work with.  The douchewad that was supposed to train me.  I hate that dude.  He is a shiesty, fake, whiney bitch ass, condescending horse's ass.  I want to just punch his face in, all f'ng day long.  I can't stand him.  I wish my boss would seriously acknowledge what a twat he is and fire his ass. 

I hate where I live.  I live at my parents house.  with my sister and her obnoxious brats.  There is non-stop screaming and whining and fighting and bickering.  They are like little tasmanian devils.  I can't stand it.  They leave a trail of chaos every where they go.  And my kid just adds to it.  Its a serious issue.  I hate it here. 

I am a commitment phobe.  I think I am scared of real commitment.  I don't want to be hurt.  I don't want to invest my whole everything to another person and them rip me apart at the seams.  I have experienced that.  It hurts like hell.  It hurts really fucking bad.  It almost killed me.  twice.  I desperately want to be loved.  But, I don't want to hurt.  I also am not sure if I am really worthy of love.  I am fundamentally broken.  Who would want someone who lives at her parents house, is in a mountain of debt, and has children by different men?  Who would want a woman that panics when she feels someone is too close?  A woman who is ridiculously jealous? A woman that has a voracious sexual appetite until she feels like she is being treated like a REAL whore?  A woman that if she feels neglected or abandoned will seek comfort in the past? 

I am not sure why God allowed me to have children.  I never liked them much.  Other people's kids.  I love babies, but the toddlers thru adults, they make me anxious and frustrated.  I have no idea what to say to kids who can actually talk.  I mean, my own kids, I love them like there is no tomorrow.  I would give my life to save theirs.  Kids are mean and nasty creatures. 

I want to get married really badly.  I am almost 40.  2 years away from 40.  But, I am afraid I only want the wedding and not the actual marriage or life long commitment.  Just the wedding.  The dress, the cake, the ceremony, the decor, the flowers, the reception.  the party.  But, I am not sure that I really want to be saddled to another person forever.  well, I probably only have a good 30 years left in me anyway.  But, what if I never find the right guy and never get married?  What if all I have now is all I will ever have?  That would suck. 

I want to be a hair and make up artist.  Special occasions hair and make up.  I also want to be an event decor specialist.  Do flowers and decor, and invitations and all that for weddings and parties.  I want those things so bad.  I just don't know how to make it happen.  Especially not right now. 

My life sucks.  Can I trade?