I really do. I hate myself when I am weak. I am generally a neurotic, paranoid, self conscious, scaredy cat. But, it becomes magnified in times of conflict, stress or relationships.
My son's father makes me very weak and very much a victim. Well, okay, maybe I make myself the victim. But, for some reason, he has the ability to mindfuck me at a moment's notice. Deep down, I am obnoxiously conflicted about him. On the one hand, I hate him with every fiber of my being. I really do. He has hurt and abused me in too many ways. Physically, emotionally, mentally, financially..... you name it, he has probably done it. But the truly sad and scary part, is that I have basically let him. I become a scared little girl, afraid to refuse. I turn into a psychotic mess. I can't bear the thought of having him anywhere near me, but at the same time, I freak sometimes at the thought of him truly being gone from my life.
We will always have some sort of connection, I suppose. We have a son together. I wish I could say I would be thrilled if he just seriously disappeared from our lives all together. but, then that stupid part of me pops up and takes over. That panicked little girl who feels abandoned. Where is he? Why did he leave? What did I do wrong? What can I do to fix it? Why am I not good enough? Why didn't he love me?
I have been thru hell with this man. I mean, serious hell. He makes me leave all logic and reason behind. I forget what makes sense. I forget how to think for myself.
I have not spoken to him in a couple weeks. I am trying to avoid him. He has called, but I didn't answer. But, in the quiet hours, I obsess about him. Its sickening. I obsess about where he is. I think about why he didn't choose me. I obsess about wanting to ruin his marriage, since he refuses to leave me alone. I just obsess about it. But, at the same time, I am praying he really will just leave me alone. Even if that means he really never will be the father Justin needs.
I have been trying to cleanse myself of him. But, then I see him or talk to him and i lose myself. Its almost like being in a trance around him. The few times that I can refrain from falling under his "spell", its only because I am seething with anger. When I get really into my seething obsessive anger at how deeply he hurt me this last time, it is the only thing that keeps me from getting sucked in. And then he tells me I am crazy and gets mad or pouty and leaves or hangs up. And later, guilt kicks me in the face.
It is a vicious cycle that is swallowing me whole and taking my life. I wish I could get amnesia and forget all about him. But he would just show up and fuck me up all over again.
He's like a cancer. The terminal kind. The kind that is slow and tortures you completely until you are just dead.
One of these days, I will bring myself to start blogging about our history. Maybe it could be like a cleansing of my soul. Right now, I feel trapped. like I am being swallowed by a monster. I can't sort it all out, and maybe I am a little afraid to. I get nauseous just thinking about trudging through our past. It is so ugly and so scary and so painful, it makes me anxious.
