teetering. right on the edge. that's where i am. grasping that little branch over the cliff and its uprooting. hanging on that ledge and my hand is slipping. oblivion is just below me. lots and lots of darkness down there. its pulling me down. i'm losing my grip and any second i'll be lost forever.
i am at the bottom of my spiral. at the very bottom. i haven't been here in years. i hate it here. and i am stuck. no one has a clue, and no one seems to notice. it isn't like i am really hiding it. i hate everyone. i hardly leave the house. if i am not going to work, i may not even change from my pjs. i hate living in this circus. i hate all these clowns that live here. well, except one. and he is probably the only thing keeping me from letting go of that little branch and going away for good.
nothing is turning out right. i am a total failure. at my job. at love. at financial responsibility. at motherhood. everything. i am a failure. i will be 38 next week. i live at my parents house. i sleep on the fucking couch. i have a car i am going to lose because i can't afford it. i am in debt up to the ceiling. all the things i wanted for myself are lost. i am going to die alone. i found a lump in my breast. i am so depressed all i want is to go to sleep and never wake up. i am so lonely i feel like i am suffocating from it. i am aching for physical intimacy. i am dying inside slowly from emotional deprivation. i am tired of taking care of everyone. i am tired of making everyone else happy. i am tired of being disappointed. i am tired of never being enough. i am tired of never being first choice. i am tired of being a last resort.
i hate my life.
